Another unwelcome memory shot

Only just now, I did a strange thing. I picked up the phone to call my sister. Pushed the "talk" button, and too quickly, before I knew what I was doing, I rapidly dialled 9, 6, 9, and stopped myself with a jerk with my left thumb hovering over the 8 which it was about to push. I quickly hung up, spooked.

I was autopilot dialling Kelvin's number.

I have NO IDEA why that suddenly popped up, completely unintentionally. I hadn't dialled that number in 6 months. And it wasn't even close to the number I intended to dial. Why the devil would I be dialling it now??

Eek-a-mouse*.

Then again, if after 9 years I still remember WJ's home number, I guess this isn't that shocking. Just unnerving.

* Totally random fact: there actually is a reggae singer called Eek-a-Mouse.

Double twinge

#1

Been sorting and clearing out stuff these few days, which is no mean feat for a pack rat like me. Been only half as brutal as I'd like to have been, but managed to clear out quite a bit of not-so-functional and sort-of-nostalgic things on top of the old stuff I never touch anymore.

Then, while going through a box of miscellaneous items, I came across a bunch of half-cut photos. Photos taken with Kelvin. I'd been using a bunch of these to make magnets for him in a moment of romantic inspiration for Valentine's Day last year, and these were the leftovers - I'd intended to use them make a few magnets for my own magnetic board sometime but hadn't used all of them.

I hadn't hurt over Kelvin for some time, especially not these past three and a half months. Until last night. The memory of intimacy and the best love of my life started to hurt again. But briefly. I dumped them in the bin.

Then, only just now, I found the last birthday card he sent me (gosh, how many more hidden things are there lying around?). To hell with privacy, these are some of the things he wrote on the card:

"I'm so lucky aren't I? Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and I hope that I can be a better boyfriend to you always... I keep a copy of Yeats' poem in my office and I look at it each day. I love you."

(The Yeats poem in question, "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", is my favourite, and I'd made him a little bookmark with the poem handwritten on it early on in our relationship.)

All this written less than four months before our breakup. About a year or more after he started to fall out of love. Lying fuck.

I hate aching for worthlessness.

Last Friday night, was with Euj and Lina when it suddenly occurred to me that it was exactly half a year after the breakup, and I told them so. Their first reaction: raised their glasses and toasted to it. Remembering that helps to wash over the ache now.

#2

Finally got a chance to webcam with Kevjn last night. Suffice to say the connection sucked on both MSN and Skype and we could hardly keep a continuous chat going. Whatever conversation we managed was somehow awkward and stunted, and VERY lagged.

But seeing him again was something else.

Made me miss him again. Nowhere near as much as before, but I miss him all the same, even after all other things considered.

And the curious part of me wonders what he does or doesn't feel by this time. It doesn't matter much, but I'm always curious about everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess it's healthy. Missing people makes you feel alive and look forward to something. Missing my sis and the kids so badly makes me keep looking forward and planning for the next time we see each other (possibly just after Christmas?). Missing Kev in this mild way keeps me aware that my heart is alive and yet doesn't hurt me, and makes me look forward to his next trip home in the near-ish future (whether I'll still feel anything by then is secondary).

I like missing this way.

Pick out your cloud

"If there is a horizontal line
that runs from the map off your body
Straight through the land, shooting up
Right through my heart

Will this horizontal line
When asked know how to find
Where you end
Where I begin

Pick out your cloud"

~Your Cloud, Tori Amos~

When was the last time I felt that way?

Last glimpses

Just a few pics from the last part of the trip. Full album of photos on my Webshots page (http://community.webshots.com/user/andromeda_carina).

Not much of a shot, but I loved the textured gloom of the high fog. If you enlarge (click on pic) and look closely you can see the bit of sunlight streaming through the break in the fog.
My sis has a thing for hats on her kids. Caitlyn had the pleasure of this bunny hat on a colder day.
On the notice board in Sean's pre-school. Good idea. (Their policy is for all kids to be picked up by 2pm latest.)
More fat Harley riders. Not exactly tearing up the asphalt, they were slowing us down on the highway.
How did he do that? He didn't manage to blow out the flames, but he managed to topple one of the candles.
Grrr! Must be a love-hate relationship with strawberries. He looks like he was about to murder the pie.
This sweet baby we met at a mall was around the same age as Caitlyn but was a great deal smaller and had a great deal more hair. She was extremely sociable and kept reaching out to touch Caitlyn. Awwww.
Tom was having fun putting his sunglasses on the baby.
Sean started to get jealous so he got to don the sunnies too. He, on the other hand, refused to smile.
Pigeon Point lighthouse along Highway 1. It's some sort of historic landmark, and the view from that vantage point is really wonderful.
Sean loved the wooden walkway and kept running up and down and (gulp) trying to climb the fence.
The colour of the ocean was awesome that day. (The colour of the water varies according to conditions, e.g. fog, cloud cover, angle of the sun, etc.)
Spotted this little flock flying in formation. Too bad I missed taking a snap when their formation was more apparent from our point of view.
Can you tell I like the fence?
The water swirling around the rocks was compelling to watch.
I like this little walkway too.
I hardly take any photos with my sis every trip, so I insisted on taking at least one with her that day. If we look cold, it's because we were - it was very sunny but very windy, and wind along this coast is always cold.
Speaking of wind, we drove past a stretch of beach that is apparently popular with kite surfers. Spotted a few of them doing their sails and leaps, but this is the best picture I managed from within the car, only captured their kites.
Could see the same few from another point where we stopped (click to enlarge). A windsurfer joined in too, apparently.
The same view framed.
At the airport giving my favourite (and only) nephew a goodbye squeeze. Isn't he friggin tall for 4 years old?
Behind us is display cases used for varying little art exhibits. Strangely, the current exhibit was of Loony Tunes cartoons - on display are animation cels, sketches, toys (they looked old and/or vintage and presumably valuable) and such. Vintage Porky Pig toys are fugly.

Back

I'm back. Not liking it much so far.

The moment the plane touched down and I looked out the window, everything looked dreary. It had looked sunny from above, but it was quickly turning grey. This is what I've come home to - a place where it's muggy and sweltering when it's sunny, muggy and gloomy when it's cloudy. A dreary, unfriendly place. After the paradise that Santa Cruz is, this feels like hell on soup day. Stepping out of the airport felt like walking into a steamer. I'm very familiar with that feeling but it never gets easier.

Neither does parting with my sis. At first, we just hugged and she said that it's not so bad this time because we had a total of three months. I held and nuzzled baby girl, carried and swung Sean about before coaxing a goodbye kiss out of him. Gave Tom (sis's hubby) a hug-ish pat. I turned to go, but it felt strangely incomplete.

"Daffy, wait."

I turned around. My sister was in tears.

"It never gets any easier."

And so it never does. We hugged long and hard, and I was never more reluctant to go than at that moment.

The queue for the @#$%& customs was slow-moving after I went in, so I kept turning to wave at the four of them who were still standing there behind the glass. I was mopping my eyes with my sleeve, which prompted the Asian dude behind me to ask, "Going to be parted for a long period?" and proceed with some small talk. I was rather incredulous for a moment. Why would you ask a crying chick stuff that would, oh, make her more upset? And if she answered you with a shaky voice, tact might dictate that you back off. And if she was still tearing while continuously turning to wave at her family, shouldn't you just shut the fug up? And this dude went on to attempt small talk.

"Are you still studying or working?"

I changed queues.

After I cleared customs, it took some effort to tear myself away after waving for the last time. I wasn't wearing my glasses so I couldn't see their faces. Last I saw walking away was Sean enthusiastically waving while sitting atop daddy's shoulders.

I walked on a bit, paused for a second when I passed the duty free shop. I regarded the "Perfumes and Cosmetics" sign for a second...then make a beeline for the nearest bathroom. I locked myself in and bawled for a good 15 minutes. I spent the rest of the next 2 hours doing sudoku in the airline lounge.

The plane ride was nice though. I was pleasantly surprised to note that the seat next to mine was a no-show. Even more surprising was the unexpected huge amount of room in front of my bulkhead seat - the minus point of that was that the screen was so far that I had to wear my glasses to watch movies. Another surprise was the fact that I managed to get some sleep, albeit just a little, during the flight. Probably thanks to the lack of sleep and continuous busy-ness of the previous two days.

The best part was when I spotted the stars through the window. The Big Dipper was almost perfectly framed in the window, so I leaned over as far as I could to see more. Knowing that there are a few overlapping meteor showers during this period, I waited. Sure enough, I caught a few meteors - my first meteor sightings from a plane!

Since I landed, I've been crazy exhausted, so tired that attempts to talk quickly degenerate to slurring. I'm aching all over and still lacking sleep/rest. And in her typical understanding way, you-know-who has been a pain in the rear and kept bugging bugging bugging me about this and that and everything else. And, for added fun, my dad sporadically joined it.

Yes, I know my bags are heavy. Yes, I KNOW this one was overweight. NO, they do not contain gold bars. Yes, I KNOW I brought a lotta stuff. YES, I heard you fine the first few times. Yes, I know your enemas didn't cause the bag to be overweight.

Yup. I carried her goddammed enemas back over the Pacific Ocean, same ones she carried over. And I hand-carried her cashew nuts and bubble wrap because they wouldn't fit in the check-in bags. I didn't tell her, but I left her half-used packet cotton wool behind (she'd put them in my to-carry-back pile).

Don't understand why she wanted me to carry all that shit back. Bubble wrap! Cotton wool!! LIQUID ENEMAS!!!

Anyway...she was bugging me so much in the afternoon that I was reduced to literally whining, "I'm very tired! I'm very tired! I'm VERY TIRED!!!" I think she got the message then, left me alone for an hour or so till dinner. Thank goodness her own jet lag set in and she turned in early.

Which is what I'm doing up now even though my brain functions are switching off department by department, and my physical functions are following suit. I just want to enjoy the peace.

But I must away with me now. Climb into my bed. Must. Sleep. Must...

Zzzzzzzzz.

Streaking

No, not me. The Perseids. They certainly didn't disappoint!

Didn't catch the 'traditional' peak of the Perseid shower, but still caught a fairly good display. Saw 41 in about an hour, which is decent for this area.

True to what they say about Perseids, most of those I saw were spectacular, bright streakers, some leaving long, glowing trails and the occasional fireball. Long, ivory needles, bright silver flashes, little white streaks.

Was fun counting with my sis too. Lots of "Oh! Oh! Oh! Eh...eh...23!!" and "Where?? I missed it! KNN!!", and, while waiting for more meteors, doing our favourite past-time of bastardising songs (e.g. "You've too much poo to be true, can't take my ass off of you..."). Could hear the fog horn in the distance going off every few minutes, but the sky was completely clear, and the only haze I could see was the Milky Way stretching across the sky.

I finally gave up and went back in the house after freezing my buns off, and the sky gave me a parting shot with a beautiful bright trailer. I said my thanks to Perseus, and, for some reason, noted that Sagittarius had half-set into the horizon. Gave a nod to the Pleiades who were still low in the east, and said goodnight to all.

All this after having eaten tons of chips and ice cream while watching Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula on DVD. Feeling bloated and nauseas now and packing my overloaded bags at 2am, but hey, it was all worth it.

White trunks a-flingin'

This one's for the other four of the five-some - you'll know who you are.

Was at nephew Sean's last-day-of-school picnic at his preschool where all the little kids were there with their parents. There was a sing-along session of familiar kiddy songs accompanied by a banjo. Suddenly, one tune stood out. Here're the first two lines:

"I've been workin' on the railroad
All the live long day."

I don't have to tell you why I started thinking about twirling white swimming trunks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spotted this lovely spider web among my sister's rosemary shrub with its resident perched in the centre of it, managed to get a surprisingly decent photo of it.

Meteor shower alert

Keep an eye out for the peak of the Perseid meteor shower on 13 August! (That's this coming Monday.) It's supposed to be a fairly good show this time of the year, especially since the new moon will make for darker skies.

Even if viewing from Singapore or other city lights, you should still be able to see something as the Perseid meteors tend to be bright and might produce the occasional fireball (and where there're fireballs, there're usually trails, which are spectacular to watch). Of course, better viewing can be done further from bright lights - some places I went and suggest going to for darker skies:

- the seaside (provided you don't do something dumb like choose a spot facing Pulau Brani or other brightly lit islands)
- darker, more remote places like Boon Lay or the reservoirs
- Pulau Ubin or other islands

The 'traditional' peak of the meteor shower is around 5h - 7h UT (Universal Time), which works out to be around 1pm - 3pm Singapore time. Yes, I know, problem there. But there's supposed to be a secondary peak at around 11pm (15h UT) Singapore time that night (of 13 August), so that should suit viewers in Asia and Australia.

Seems that my postponed departure has given me this bonus too! Originally I would've missed seeing the Perseids over here in Santa Cruz where the skies are much darker than Singapore. The skies here aren't the darkest of dark, but enough for me to see the haze of the Milky Way, though people who don't know what they're looking at would mistake it for normal atmospheric haze.

I love sitting out on clear nights (nights tend to be foggy along this coast) and just have fun identifying the constellations, planets, objects, asterisms and such, and sometimes just marvel at it all - I was rewarded with eight bright meteor sightings the other night. Looking up at the night sky always makes me sublimely happy. Sometimes it's awe, making me feel infinitely small, like a mouse looking up in a great hall of giants. Sometimes it makes me feel comfortable, knowing that I'm looking at objects in my own stellar neighbourhood, and the Milky Way is my address in this infinite place.

Coo fest

OK, haven't done anything interesting, so am posting a few cute pics for viewing pleasure. (Three guesses as to why we haven't been doing anything interesting.)

Me + Caitlyn in her traditional hands-open pose.

Caitlyn's first ride in a swing. Suffice to say she loved it, with a little help from her big bro.

Click on the photo for a bigger view, and check out those major lashes on this babe! She'll never need mascara.