Yet another choice before me

This hasn't been a good week for me. I'm exhausted...but that's something I'm used to anyway. A couple of other things.

It started great - I learnt I was offered a role in what would have been my first job with a professional theatre company. Even better, the rehearsal schedule was entirely in the mornings, which clashes with nothing else I have. Then, during my first rehearsal (at 9am in the friggin morning!), I found out that performance times would clash with five of my weekend Y&W sessions. After some consultation, I realised it was unwise to miss those sessions. So I turned down the role, and another source of income. Not a big deal, but rather disappointing, considering it's the second role I've had to sacrifice this year.

Then the boom was lowered on me. As I was planning to book my tickets for my spring trip, I decided to confirm with Jon that Y&W indeed was going to end on time at the end of February. He confirmed it...before adding, "And there'll be the final showing after that." Contrary to my previous understanding, our final showing will begin production only after our coursework ends, which means another six to eight weeks.

This utterly fucks up mine and my sister's already precarious plans. We invested so much in plotting and planning and treading carefully. I can't imagine telling her this news. I almost can't bear to go through the same, if not more painful discussion again. As it is, some weeks ago when I told her I was planning to depart in mid-March, she was very sorely dismayed and upset. "I thought you said you were coming end of Feb!" "No, I said it'd END at the end of Feb. I need to play it safe. What if it ends late?" That took some soothing over. How about this? How will she react to this? I think I know, and it hurts to think of it.

After I heard Jon on the final showing, I couldn't help it - I had to leave the room to bawl. From the way Jon reacted when I told him that the trip was very important, I don't think he understood just how much it really means to me and how much goes into it.

I miss my sis and little Sean so much, almost unbearably, and I won't even be there when the new baby is born. Being away from them for so long hurts, and it doesn't help that I sense some sub-surface resentment in her about Y&W, even though she does understand what it means to me.

Then it occurred to me - if I delay it two more months, things would get even more fucked up. The Dowager is already lobbying hard for me not to go, not wanting me to be away from her. If I push my trip back to May-June, that will collide right into the annual family July-August trip. I'm pretty sure the notion of not having me around for four months will be all the reason she needs to pull out her entire arsenal to prevent the trip. As if she isn't already putting us through hell.

This boils down to a choice - I have to choose between doing the showing and going on this trip. Both mean so much to me. How do I choose?

This whole Y&W thing has been so emotionally draining for me, even though it makes me really happy as well. Between putting up with my parents' silent denial (my mum referred to theatre as my "hobby" the other day) and dealing with my sister's disappointment, working long hours and indirectly being made to feel like my commitment tp Y&W isn't complete, this is taking a lot out of me.

It feels selfish, but it made me think of all the sacrifices I've had to make. I've always been the one to bend for others and take whatever they send my way up the rear.

Before this year, I haven't gone on any holidays of my own because all my leave was spent on the Santa Cruz trip. Yet the moment I make a choice to do something for myself, everyone goes ballistic on me. My sis understands, but can't help being disappointed, and I don't know if she even realises she's guilting me. She runs away from S'pore to find her own life, leaving me behind. Why does two weeks of MY own life make her so upset with me? I'm totally understanding of her life decisions and don't resent her, so how do I express these thoughts to her without her thinking that I'm guilting her for it? She already gets enough of this from The Dowager.

I spend as much free time with The Dowager as I can spare without being driven to homicide. But that only seems to make her complain more that I'm not spending enough time with her. She doesn't want me to spend time with my sis, yet she kept guilting me for missing this year's trip.

And what was I, the bad sister/aunt/daughter doing on Sean's birthday during this missed trip? I was crying my eyes out alone, missing Sean and my sis, feeling selfish as hell.

And I still feel selfish for wanting to do the showing. I know I shouldn't, but that's what you get for being the youngest, always being the one who has to give way to everyone else without a fight, knowing I'll never ever win. Daffy's never right. She lives her life for everyone else.

After speaking with dear, patient Kelvin and supportive friends, their choice is unanimous. From the start, I already knew in my heart what the choice should be. But it's so difficult, so heart wrenching. Both are equally important to me. But what will be waiting for me, and what will not?

All these thoughts feel so SELFISH!! I feel like standing in front of the mirror and yelling, "SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!!!" Selfish for thinking that my sis and family will still be there even if Y&W won't wait. Selfish for risking hurting her by telling her about the delayed (and possibly cancelled trip...OUCH to even think of it this way). Selfish for enduring the additional hurt I will feel from missing them even more. Selfish for even wanting my way.

How do I choose?