Am I frozen?

Can't believe I'm blogging at friggin 6am.

Again, another night starting with fun and ending with loneliness. I'm feeling lonely, and suspect (and hope) it's a fleeting thing, gone by the time I wake.

I think some people bring out the loneliness in you. Different people bring out different things in you, and there are those who, even if they are not important people in your life, bring out the melancholy and longing - not necessarily for them, but just for something that you are reminded of just by interacting with them.

It's the ones who tempt you to open up just that little bit, a morsel of friendship. And then you realise again why you don't want to talk to them so often - because deep down you know they don't really care, and they will withdraw after leading you out just enough to think you've got a friend there.

And when they do their usual disappearing act, and you realise there's no one at all to talk to at this hour, the loneliness sets in, heavy and cold. Gosh, I really want to talk to someone now. But I'll just have to cuddle up to my little book of Kakuro puzzles and go to sleep only when I start dozing off in the middle of one.

Ironic, considering I have no shortage of company at this point in time. Been strangely reluctant to head out to the dinners, suppers, movies, parties, etc. that I've been invited to fairly often. I think I crave one-on-one intimacy - platonic but intimate - rather than the social-mingling-small-talk of acquaintance groups. My closest friends are wrapped up in their own problems, though, and need to deal with their own shit. I'm happy to be there for them. But that also leaves few of them there for me, at least for now.

Think it's time to pull myself out of this mysterious lethargy.

Random thought. It occurred to me that whenever I'm out of love, I don't really remember what it feels like to be in love.

It's been almost a year. I don't miss it. How do you miss something you don't remember?