Satellite pangs

It's been more than a year. The thought of him doesn't affect me anymore. The thought of what we had, the life I almost had, doesn't affect me anymore, nothing beyond a pinch of wistfulness.

So why does it still hurt when I hear "Satellite"?

Time and the healing process sometimes forget to erase motor memory and sensory triggers.

At least this is an easy one to solve - I just turn off the song and put on Harry Connick Jr instead.

The freaks we meet online

Some of you may have seen this post before, but this is for the benefit of those who hadn't started reading my blog yet. This chat hails to the day when I used ICQ.

On this day, I was in the middle of work (yes, in an office back then) and got some random chat. This is the chat history verbatim (I'm Aurora). Sometimes, having an ounce of patience for annoying random buggers yields some gems. Like this one - read to the end.

7/24/02

3.10pm Ong: hi

3.12pm Aurora: who're u?

3.13pm Ong: hi me called Francis. Nice to meet u, Daphne

3.14pm Aurora: sorry, i'm at work now, i cant chat

3.14pm Ong: me too, i am at work. What u work as

3.15pm Aurora: woman-who-swears-at-man-who-icq-her-at-work

3.15pm Ong: ha ha ha ha tell me lah

3.18pm Aurora: editorial work

3.18pm Aurora: hey, i'm really busy now....

3.18pm Ong: okay shall we authorise in contact list and chat next time?

3.18pm Aurora: ok

3.20pm Ong: ya pls make yrself visible when u are available ok

3.20pm Aurora : sure

3.21pm Ong: bcos then i am able to snd u msg otherwise i thought u are off-line

3.21pm Aurora: sure thing

3.21pm Ong: btw i always on-line so u are welcome to drop me msg

3.22pm Aurora: ok

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7/25/02

1.51pm Ong: hi tall girl

1.52pm Aurora: wat makes u think i'm tall?

1.54pm Ong: then what is yr ht, tell me

1.54pm Aurora: 1.62

1.55pm Aurora: this is how u weasel info outta girls eh

1.55pm Ong: what is yr wt

2.11pm Ong: tell me abt yr work ? What u work as in the editorial field

2.13pm Aurora: editorial assistant

2.16pm Ong: u must hv a good command of English

2.17pm Aurora: yup, i do

2.17pm Ong: i wish to learn English would u be my language teacher

2.18pm Aurora: i've a short fuse and a quick tongue. not gd for teaching.

2.20pm Ong: never mind, i have ultra high degree of tolerance for pretty girl

2.21pm Aurora: u're not in luck. i look like yesterday's accident.

2.21pm Ong: ha ha ha ha

2.22pm Ong: oic, with bloody face and fracture limbs

2.23pm Aurora: close enough

2.24pm Ong: oic that is a nightmare

2.25pm Ong: well i think i can help u

2.25pm Ong: to regain yr charm

2.26pm Aurora: i dun need to regain my charm, i like myself the way i am

2.26pm Ong: sound like u are a saddist

2.27pm Aurora: i'm not a sadist. i simply have self-confidence.

2.28pm Ong: oh to bring nightmare to ppl bring u self-confidence that elicit yr inner conflict

2.31pm Aurora: i was kidding, dear boy

2.31pm Ong: oic i believe in every word u said

2.32pm Ong: so my fair lady would u teach me english ?

2.33pm Aurora: no one needs to be taught english. juz read n converse.

2.34pm Ong: ya i need plenty of conversations, would u let me hv yr hp no we chat on-line

2.34pm Aurora: online will do

2.35pm Ong: oh i think i need to enhance on my conversation skill. shall we exchange contact no

2.36pm Aurora: no

2.37pm Ong: then i hv to live with poor english skills and let ppl look down on me, poor Francis

2.39pm Aurora: nice try, dude

2.40pm Ong: hard to get lass

2.41pm Aurora: truth is, i dun like getting picked up

2.42pm Ong: then i get u straight

2.42pm Ong: i wish to court u and wana to get yr hp no sweeties

2.42pm Aurora: well, DUH, i know.

2.43pm Ong: what is DUH

2.43pm Aurora: haha, nvm.......

2.43pm Ong: tell me

2.44pm Aurora: it's juz an expression

2.44pm Ong: or shall i tell u directly i wana hold yr hands and moonlighting with me

2.45pm Aurora: u dun even know me

2.47pm Ong: shall we meet for diner to know u more

2.47pm Aurora: sorry, no

2.47pm Ong: well then i can only hug u at night ... in dream world

2.48pm Aurora: think ur bolster wld be a more realistic goal

2.50pm Ong: if u are my bolster i shall squeeze it hard, press it close to my chest and kiss it and lie on top of it, grap u between my legs

2.50pm Ong: change to cover to explore the inner beauty

2.51pm Ong: undress its cover and reveal it softness and enticing self

2.51pm Aurora: oh gawd....i feel my lunch coming back up my throat

2.52pm Ong: ha ha ha ha ha

2.52pm Ong: u are cordially invited to be my bolster

2.53pm Ong: that is how i fell asleep see got to do so much exercise myself

2.54pm Aurora: cordially declined.

2.56pm Ong: well then i got to do all the job on my own, poor me

2.57pm Aurora: eww........ i dun wanna know what job

2.58pm Ong: ha ha ha ha

2.58pm Ong: ;-)

2.59pm Ong: just rubs the bolster between my legs and stimulates my manhood to ejaculation lor

3.02pm Ong: u will certainly make my night more interesting and fun-filled if u could be my bolster

3.03pm Aurora: ok. NOW u're going into my ignore list. bye francis

3.03pm Ong: wei dun like that leh

3.04pm Ong: okay lor dun tell u my secret anymore

3.05pm Aurora: u wank and u cum.... wow, big secret

3.05pm Ong: ha ha ha ha ha it is very interesting to chat with u

3.06pm Ong: are u with the local news agency or private publisher

3.09pm Ong: wei y u so quiet now, i dun think that is you right

3.13pm Ong: okay Daphne dun be so petty can ? Francis is a very nice guy actually

Shiny, happy Daffy

Daffy is happy.

Yes, it's partly because of the couple of new and unexpected things, but not mainly those.

I think it's largely because I'm spending so much time rehearsing and being on stage these months. It feels a bit like living at high speed (or on speed).

I've probably bitten off more than I can chew, and perhaps next year I should promise myself not to take on more than one S&S play at a time. If I do it next year, that is. Rehearsing for four different things and churning out writing work all at once is draining me like nobody's business, and I can't stay away from my friends either!

And after all, I am happiest when I'm busy busy busy.

It does come at a cost. I've had to let some people down today :( I feel absolutely terrible about it, and I know no amount of profuse apology will fix things. It was necessary and very unexpected, but still not an honourable thing at all. I'm so sorry, guys.

It's also costing me PLENTY of sleep. I feel like I'm swimming in thick, warm goo at this moment (which is also a moment I should be spending on writing for a rush project but I really needed a short break for quick diarrhoea blogging).

All this time on stage this week and immersing with other actors from various backgrounds is playing a part in upbeat upbeatupbeatupbeat me! Feels like a sugar high. *nervous chuckling* Other things too, but this especially.

Oh, life is good. For now.

And even now, when I'm bogged down by this writing project, I'm inspired! I wanna churn out page after page after page! Even though it's corporate flotsam! And after that when I *eventually* find a little time, I wanna write more creative stuff! Like short stories again!

(I'm using lots of exclamation marks!)

I want to write!!

Diverging paths

At supper with a fairly new acquaintance tonight, shockingly comfortable to talk with. Also the 4th Jon in my phonebook. How many Jonathans are there in the world?? Wait, don't answer that.

Somewhere in the midst of all that talk, he made a point that slammed home. We'd been talking about getting less comfortable with certain friends over time because of how individuals change over time, and he said, "You take different tracks and when they diverge far enough, you're not on the same wavelength anymore (sic)." (--> major sic, since I'm really bad at remembering exact words.)

And that completely hit me: it instantly brought to mind what Kelvin had said to his mother about why we broke up. His mum had told me he said we were going on different paths. While that occurred to me as utter bull at the time (and it probably largely still is, considering all the other things that pulled us apart), hearing it now from someone else's lips made me think there is some truth in that, whether or not Kel had truly meant it.

It hit me hard, though I couldn't show it, not in front of a person I was newly acquainted with.

On hindsight, we were indeed taking very different paths, seeing where I am right now and where he very likely is currently. And this divergence would likely have put distance between us eventually, perhaps even re-tune that wonderful wavelength that we shared so vividly and incomparably.

(I digress: Words are so inadequate for the concepts that zip through our minds, that we understand wordlessly. I feel helpless when I can't fully explain what I think, as now.)

But if he had still wanted what we had, that wouldn't have bothered me much. Distances can be forded with a little effort, if it means holding on to the rest of your life.

A pity, but no more than a pity. But damn, I'm still learning from this one.

All for...

It's all worth it. It's all worth it. Gotta keep remind ourselves that when the going gets tough, especially in this industry.

Met up with an old friend (hi, Weixiong! I mean, Louis!) that I hadn't seen in years, and we started talking about liking one's job. In the midst of that discussion, I realised that being in theatre is the one of the few jobs (and I use the term loosely) where losing one's interest or passion in the work is a hazard. In other jobs, if you lose interest in them, you can kinda hang in there, it may not be that big a deal, and the paychecks will hopefully be regular and worth the time at least. Not in theatre - the moment you lose the passion, there's no point in going on. It's like love - when you lose sight of it, you've got to rediscover it, find what's left of it revive it, and if you can't or if it's truly gone, it's a dead thing.

I'm lucky. I know what I'm passionate about, and I share that with a handful of fantastic individuals. Some are my treasured friends, some have been colleagues at some point or other, some I hope to work with in the future.

I love words, and I love the stage. Everything else is there to feed that burning need to write and to perform, to bring life where there was only nothingness, to share in the energy of living beings and living spaces.

Missing sleep. Mental exhaustion. Physical exhaustion. Dwindling bank accounts. Insane scheduling. Rejection. Missed opportunities. Always having to fight. Emotional rides.

It's all worth it. Being truly alive is worth it.

Faithless

It occurred to me earlier, randomly, that I have no more faith left in men.

I do not trust them to keep their word.

I do not trust their spoken words to keep their meaning.

I do not trust them to keep me in their heart.

I do not trust them to keep loving me.

I do not trust them to be worth my time and what's left of my youth.

For every step I took before brought me closer to where I wanted to be. And when I got there, I was shoved off, most nonchalantly, simply because there was no space left for me.

And yet, I can't say, "Never again."

I miss having a soul mate, but shudder at the thought of having another.