Time is passing very slowly tonight. It doesn't feel like just a little past midnight. I think on mood-swing nights, it just kinda gets that way. It's a lonely night. Very much so. At least I have a few friendly voices that quip up every so often - little blips on my computer screen, but their presence is some comfort.
Getting bored sometimes makes you hyper aware of your surroundings, what you're feeling, along with all the unchannelled energies that accumulate for someone who spends much of her time alone, in some ways.
The tension in my shoulders and neck that I keep trying to remember to release when I become aware of it.
The minute but slightly odd tingle that air conditioning creates on your skin.
The way Peter Cincotti's voice makes me tingle a whole other way.
The way the fluorescent light makes my head feel tight.
How the desk clutter is starting to annoy me a little.
The sudden realisation that I do have pink-coloured possessions - my pig wrist pad, a baby mitten that belonged to Caitlyn, the flower on my favourite perfume bottle, a tube of moisturiser. And do you know what colour is my lip gloss, momsie?
How much I love my new mobile phone.
How the music makes me so much lonelier but so much more alive on quiet nights like these, how it makes me want to run out and lock limbs with a hot-blooded male, how it makes me want to slow dance with a tall man who smells of fresh soap and light musk, how it makes me want to walk along the river by myself in the darkness.
"And I would lay your body down and rock your tears away
But it’s much too late for now to be like yesterday
And the time is running out and we still have to say
Goodbye"
~Goodbye Philadelphia, Peter Cincotti~
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Impossible conversations
Don't you sometimes find it impossible to hold a normal, reasonable conversation with someone? These are snippets from an afternoon spent in the company of a family member who will remain unnamed... but you know who it is anyway. [Disclaimer: Mistakes (such as "Silk Route" instead of "Silk Road") really are what she thinks they are.]
On the topic of African people:
Me: How do you know what Sudanese people look like?
Her: Movies, lah! [She wasn't kidding]
~~~~~~~
On why loan sharks are known locally as dai yi loong (big ear hole):
Her: Maybe they wore big earrings that made their ear holes big.
Me: They could have originated from gangs.
Her: Maybe, like in China, they were rich people who wore big earrings. Or maybe they came from the Middle East, you know, like those Baghdad people.
Me: Huh? Baghdad is a city in Iraq.
Her: Aiya, you know what I mean. Those tribes from that area, like on the Silk Route, they looked like that. And since they went to China, maybe the Chinese called them dai yi loong because of their earrings.
Me: ... ... [I wasn't sure what the train of logic of that conversation thread was anymore]
~~~~~~~
On driving from home to Great World City:
Her: Parking there is so terrible. It takes such me a long time to get a place to park, and sometimes it takes a long time just to get into the car park.
Me: Why don't you walk there? It's only 5 minutes away.
Her: I'm so tired!
Me: But taking a long time to find parking is less tiring?
Her: I've been so busy and tired, and you're not helping me. Do you know how much I do every day? Do you know how tired I am every day?
I swear, some days, matricide is just an accident waiting to happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A completely different topic, but I find it pointless blogging twice in a day.
Whenever I'm in California, I go nuts at the huge cosmetics departments at drug stores, Target and Walmart.
A current trend I noticed this year was 'smart' makeup, where the foundation or concealer or blush comes out white but changes shade on contact with your skin. It's supposed to transform into the optimal shade for you. There are some of these in Singapore, but it's in the US that they seem really common.
It sounded like a good idea to me, so when I saw this Almay concealer, I thought what the hey, since it's cheap and sounds promising, I might as well get one.
Of course, it occurred to me only later that a concealer that morphs into your skin tone is less good an idea. Sure enough, when I tried it after buying, I felt silly right away.
Here's why: What happens when a concealer changes into the shade of skin directly underneath it, i.e. the blemish that you are trying to conceal? That's right - it, very helpfully, changes into the very shade you were trying to conceal in the first place. So, I end up with a concealer that blends very nicely with the rest of my face, but doesn't conceal a thing.
DUH.
On the topic of African people:
Me: How do you know what Sudanese people look like?
Her: Movies, lah! [She wasn't kidding]
~~~~~~~
On why loan sharks are known locally as dai yi loong (big ear hole):
Her: Maybe they wore big earrings that made their ear holes big.
Me: They could have originated from gangs.
Her: Maybe, like in China, they were rich people who wore big earrings. Or maybe they came from the Middle East, you know, like those Baghdad people.
Me: Huh? Baghdad is a city in Iraq.
Her: Aiya, you know what I mean. Those tribes from that area, like on the Silk Route, they looked like that. And since they went to China, maybe the Chinese called them dai yi loong because of their earrings.
Me: ... ... [I wasn't sure what the train of logic of that conversation thread was anymore]
~~~~~~~
On driving from home to Great World City:
Her: Parking there is so terrible. It takes such me a long time to get a place to park, and sometimes it takes a long time just to get into the car park.
Me: Why don't you walk there? It's only 5 minutes away.
Her: I'm so tired!
Me: But taking a long time to find parking is less tiring?
Her: I've been so busy and tired, and you're not helping me. Do you know how much I do every day? Do you know how tired I am every day?
I swear, some days, matricide is just an accident waiting to happen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A completely different topic, but I find it pointless blogging twice in a day.
Whenever I'm in California, I go nuts at the huge cosmetics departments at drug stores, Target and Walmart.
A current trend I noticed this year was 'smart' makeup, where the foundation or concealer or blush comes out white but changes shade on contact with your skin. It's supposed to transform into the optimal shade for you. There are some of these in Singapore, but it's in the US that they seem really common.
It sounded like a good idea to me, so when I saw this Almay concealer, I thought what the hey, since it's cheap and sounds promising, I might as well get one.
Of course, it occurred to me only later that a concealer that morphs into your skin tone is less good an idea. Sure enough, when I tried it after buying, I felt silly right away.Here's why: What happens when a concealer changes into the shade of skin directly underneath it, i.e. the blemish that you are trying to conceal? That's right - it, very helpfully, changes into the very shade you were trying to conceal in the first place. So, I end up with a concealer that blends very nicely with the rest of my face, but doesn't conceal a thing.
DUH.
Monday, January 12, 2009
January blues
There's something about this time of year that gets me down. Somehow, I'm depressed at this time of the year - starting around Christmas and lasts till maybe the end of February. Well, for these three years running, at least.
2007, it's pretty obvious what I was depressed about - my 4-year relationship with K was ending-then-ended.
But last year and this year, I'm not sure what I am and was really depressed about. They both started right about when I got back from a trip to my sister's. Withdrawal after spending time with them? Sudden loneliness?
Maybe it's because work pretty much grinds to a halt during this season, and since being busy makes me happy, perhaps the converse is true too. Maybe Í'm too free.
Maybe it's also partly because I cancelled a trip to Bangkok that I'd really been looking forward to, at great cost to time with treasured friends and to my pocket.
Maybe it's also partly because Joy has recently moved to Hong Kong, and I'm also contemplating the possibility that Winds' audition will be successful and he'll up and go too in the near future. How many of my dearest friends are going to be far away in time? Lian is already far away, not geographically, but has drifted away over the past year.
I always search for deeper reasons why I'm down during this season. This nauseating, Hallmark- and Bee Cheng Hiang-dominated season where, in shopping malls and public places, icky Christmas tunes transition into the grating cacophony of Chinese New Year music and garish decorations assault your eyes everywhere you go. Presents and ang baos are never enough to justify these commercially-lucrative jokes where the true celebrations are in retailers' pockets.
Erm, I digress.
Waiting for change. Waiting for new and better things to come. Why does my life always seem to move only in the second half of the Gregorian calendar? Why can't I shake off this smothering don't-feel-like-doing-anything doldrum? Can barely bring myself to lift my ass out of bed each day. Can barely persuade myself to go to sleep each night when I realise in horror what time I've stayed up to.
This sounds so self-pitying.
In spite of myself, I must say that companionship sounds like a mightily nice option right now. Not necessarily a relationship, just companionship.
The only people who have showered me with hugs and kisses lately were all under the age of 6. Well, actually I get hugs in plentiful supply from my dear friends, but there's something intoxicating about affection that's given randomly and without apparent purpose, and yet purposeful, in the way only children and lovers can give.
Someone please hire me to write something other than my blog.
2007, it's pretty obvious what I was depressed about - my 4-year relationship with K was ending-then-ended.
But last year and this year, I'm not sure what I am and was really depressed about. They both started right about when I got back from a trip to my sister's. Withdrawal after spending time with them? Sudden loneliness?
Maybe it's because work pretty much grinds to a halt during this season, and since being busy makes me happy, perhaps the converse is true too. Maybe Í'm too free.
Maybe it's also partly because I cancelled a trip to Bangkok that I'd really been looking forward to, at great cost to time with treasured friends and to my pocket.
Maybe it's also partly because Joy has recently moved to Hong Kong, and I'm also contemplating the possibility that Winds' audition will be successful and he'll up and go too in the near future. How many of my dearest friends are going to be far away in time? Lian is already far away, not geographically, but has drifted away over the past year.
I always search for deeper reasons why I'm down during this season. This nauseating, Hallmark- and Bee Cheng Hiang-dominated season where, in shopping malls and public places, icky Christmas tunes transition into the grating cacophony of Chinese New Year music and garish decorations assault your eyes everywhere you go. Presents and ang baos are never enough to justify these commercially-lucrative jokes where the true celebrations are in retailers' pockets.
Erm, I digress.
Waiting for change. Waiting for new and better things to come. Why does my life always seem to move only in the second half of the Gregorian calendar? Why can't I shake off this smothering don't-feel-like-doing-anything doldrum? Can barely bring myself to lift my ass out of bed each day. Can barely persuade myself to go to sleep each night when I realise in horror what time I've stayed up to.
This sounds so self-pitying.
In spite of myself, I must say that companionship sounds like a mightily nice option right now. Not necessarily a relationship, just companionship.
The only people who have showered me with hugs and kisses lately were all under the age of 6. Well, actually I get hugs in plentiful supply from my dear friends, but there's something intoxicating about affection that's given randomly and without apparent purpose, and yet purposeful, in the way only children and lovers can give.
Someone please hire me to write something other than my blog.
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