The trust fall

One thing I hadn't thought about for quite a while (and hadn't needed to) was the issue of trust when it comes to partners. My idle brain meandered through a winding train of thought and ended up contemplating the ideas of trust and the fear of being lied to.

I think this is possibly one of my biggest fears with men. Basically, I don't really care if someone who doesn't matter enough to me lies, or even if a good friend lies. Sure I'd feel a little hurt if a close friend told an untruth, but if it's not something that affects me too significantly, it's not that big a deal.

However, the experience of a fibbing partner is far more damaging, and it'd been a while since I remembered how damaged I still am from all the lies fed to me over the years by boys and men I loved and/or cared about.

I blame my ex-boyfriends (except V and E). The compulsive, incorrigible liar. The omitting liar. The lying-to-himself liar. And finally, the cowardly one who had everyone fooled - the least likely and yet the most accomplished of the liars.

It's a bit disturbing to find myself thinking about this issue again after it's been asleep for a while.

I think it's because it's been so long since I've come to care for anyone, and it's only very recently that I've started seeing some embers of it. The cycle starts again - the irrational compulsion to distrust things said to me, and the rational side hammers that down, and my gut instincts get all scrambled and confused and decide they'd rather just go back to hibernation because they know that really good liars can bypass them anyway. It's something my rational side has to keep battling with, because it surfaces involuntarily.

It's nothing personal to anyone. Just a reflex from being taken for an idiot too many times, often by guys who weren't even aware of how bad they were at lying. Seemed that each time I gave my trust, it got flung back and me and knocked me over.

I just wish it were easier to trust people, knowing it will never be again while I remain sound of mind. I also wish it were easier for someone to earn my trust.