Monday, November 08, 2010

Screw optimists

As in, why the f*** am I so optimistic all the time??

Is optimism a state which I force upon myself, or is it my real nature? I've got so much going for myself, and so little, all at the same time. Why am I afraid to show how discouraged I truly feel sometimes, how bloody scared I am?

Sometimes I'm so sick of being strong for myself. Why can't I just curl up on someone's lap and suck thumb for a few days? Why do I repress myself and put on a smile and shrug as if to say "Nevermind", when what I really wanna do is scream and punch pillows and demand to know why the f*** things are the way they are?

Why do I hold back and be diplomatic when I really wanna shove everyone else aside sometimes and yell "You do what I want for a bloody change"? Why do I insist on being selfless when I want to be friggin self-absorbed sometimes?

Why do I smile and keep taking big strides when I'm really scared and wobbly-kneed sometimes?

I'm 31 years old. Why's my career so young? Where's the straightforward path to the rest of my career? Why hasn't anyone in my family (save one) been supportive about my choices? Why hasn't a single one of my extended family come to see any of my shows, including the one who blatantly stated that being an MC (let alone the other roles in the industry) is shameful? Why are the people I care about absolutely the most in my life geographically so far away? Why wasn't I able to bloody choose what I wanted during my formative years so the path wouldn't be so darn difficult now? Where's the sizable nest egg I should have by now? Where's my six-figure CPF? Where's my soul mate? (Oh yes, he's gone and married someone else. Guess that wasn't him.) Where's that someone who'll pat me on the back and tell me I did good? Where's the person who will be strong for me? Just because I don't have as much charisma as some other people, does that make my opinion any less valid? Why does that make you think it's ok to ignore me? Why can't I get my way more often than not? Why am I so giving when what I really wanna do is take more?

Where's my sense of self-entitlement??

If this post irritates you, well TOUGH. This self-centred rant is fucking overdue. I'm done being nice for tonight. Miss Nice will probably be back tomorrow.


T said...

don't be afraid to be you. vulnerability and imperfections are endearing:

Anonymous said...

cheer up!

Anonymous said...