Sleepless before dawn

It is almost 5am and I am unable to sleep. There is music in my head and my mind won't be quiet. All the soft words I need to hear, the yearning melodic strains I want to hear, the gentle touches I need to feel in the lonely hours of the morning - all undulating inside my head. It is quiet and I'm alone at this ungodly hour. There's no one to talk to now, and the silence feels empty against the fullness of my thoughts. I'm not sure about the purpose of me blogging all this at this point. I guess it's the thought that maybe someone somewhere will know what I'm feeling now, so I don't feel so alone.

I realised one of the most heartbreaking feelings in the world is to be next to someone you love and still feel utterly lonely, when holding their hand won't take away the yawning gulf that lies between the two of you. You may reach out, but while your hand may touch their skin, all you feel are the bricks of the fortress they've built around them to keep you out. You may speak to them, but it may feel like calling into a broad canyon and all the response you get is the fading echoes of your own voice.

Emotional independence is something I realised I can never let go of, even if I want to, even if I'm in a relationship. For the moment I start to loosen my grip, the hurt is sure to follow very closely. It is tiring, depending only on yourself in all your times of need. But I find it's even more tiring to depend on someone else. Still, sometimes, when I find it hard to keep tears away, when my will has been weathered down, when my own arms can't keep me warm enough, I find myself wishing so much that I could lie helpless in comforting arms, curled up in the security of someone who will be strong enough for me to be vulnerable with, just for that moment. That someone will see my need and draw me to him, simply because he knows I need it. It's like being able to unclench a muscle that's been tensed for far too long and the unspeakable relief and comfort that it brings.

But vulnerability and dependence, no matter how fleeting, are luxuries few can afford.

It's hard knowing there will always be only myself to rely on.