How long

I'm exhausted today, to the point of dozing while standing up in church earlier.

But I'm up now, unable to sleep. Tried to go to sleep after starting to doze while reading, but my mind just wouldn't shut up.

I'm thinking of these months I spent, stupidly giving my love to someone who didn't love me back. I'm thinking of all those times I held him or held his cheek and told him I loved him. How many months did I do all these and not know that he didn't speak true when he told me the same? How long did I foolishly expose and devote my whole heart to someone who had ceased to love me and didn't want to tell me?

I don't think I even remember when he stopped saying "I love you" before putting down the phone at night. I just didn't want to make a big deal of it.

I don't remember when he stopped saying "I love you" on his own accord.

I don't remember when he stopped looking at me the same loving way. Why would I have noticed? I thought it was natural for a couple to get less starry-eyed as the relationship matured.

How long had this been going on? Each time I asked him he gave a different answer. How many months did I go about believing so strongly in something that was already dying?

How long had he been deceiving me?

How long has he been wanting her?