Alienation

Something's wrong.

Yesterday was very strange. The day started suddenly and held a fast pace, and the vibe was very strange, very off. I felt out of sync with just about everyone I met that day, which was almost everyone in Y&W and the WR office.

It was especially bad at rehearsal and the supper that followed. The VERY late supper that followed.

It's extremely freaky when you're almost invisible in a group, especially a group you're very familiar and ordinarily comfortable with. For some reason, I felt barely noticed last night. It got to a point where I'd speak and no one would hear. Not ignoring me, simply didn't hear me. And that went on to reach a point where I was speaking to myself...and no one noticed.

Didn't help that I was already in a major funk all day...well, all year to date, but it was bad yesterday in particular, even after ice cream and comfort food. I had to suddenly get up and rush to the bathroom before I burst into tears, without quite knowing why. Probably the loneliness I felt.

Loneliness is amplified when you're in a large group.

We walked out towards our cars and cabs in a drizzle. I walked by myself, talking to myself. I got into my car, shut the door, and proceeded to sit in the parking lot crying too hard to start the car. Then I drove home, sat in the car some more, then found myself crying harder than I had since a year ago. Hard and long, like my heart would break - only this time, there was no tangible reason to.

Today was better. Got a nice massage from Jas. Ended well with a fun late dinner with the gang. Doesn't eliminate the blues, but is an effective painkiller for now.

I'm fucking depressed and I'm not sure why. Maybe feeling depressed is making me fall out of sync with everybody.

I need lots of hugs but don't want to ask for them. I don't know who to ask or who I want them from. I can't think of anyone I truly want to be held by.

Gosh, this feels self-indulgent. Like I bloody care.