The best thing about being by yourself at home is that you can bawl freely while watching Ugly Betty and not feel like a right idiot. I don't cry at movies. I cry at home. I like eating dry cereal while watching Ugly Betty and skipping forward to all the emo bits and parts where they have the cutest dudes in the least clothing.
The last time I cried for real was last night in the shower. For no particular reason.
Was plugged into my iPod on the bus the other day, and Bette Midler's rendition of Under the Boardwalk came on. It reminded me of my sister and the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, and reminded me of how much I miss her and the kids.
I thought about the times Sean drives us up the wall, stubborn little boy that he is, the times I think I wouldn't be sorry to be elsewhere at that moment. But I realise that doesn't make me miss him any less. In fact, I wish I was part of every moment.
Same goes for Caitlyn. Each time I speak on the phone with my sis and hear little Cait's voice in the background, I feel like I'm missing so much.
I don't want to miss any part of their lives, whether or not they're being complete sweethearts or intolerable brats (though the baby has yet to get to that point; just wait - she's approaching her terrible twos).
And, of course, I miss my sis to bits. It's never easy having your lifelong best friend on the wrong side of the ocean 10 months in the year. And now, more than ever, I need that best friend.
It's a life of need I'm now living. Needing and not having. So many things.
Maybe I didn't cry in the shower for no reason after all.
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