I will not be comfortable

I think I've identified my problem with attracting people who are damaged and self-destructive.

They believe I am too much for them.

They make me feel I am too little for them.

The truth is somewhere in the middle, but it eludes them because they're too busy at either end, building walls, creating fictional tapestries, shutting the doors and windows for fear of letting air in, wrapping themselves in cocoons they refuse to emerge from and will eventually suffocate within.

And I'm left outside, wondering where the open doors of yesterday went, bruised from the offense of false accusations, cut from the defense mechanisms that I tried to navigate through because my heart went further than the rest of me could.

That's ok. I have the freedom to turn away, say a gentle goodbye that will go unheard through the walls, tapestries and cocoons, and explore the wide world, away from knocking on doors, scaling walls, tapping on cocoons, begging to be let in.

Here is the truth: I am damaged too. And in knowing I am damaged, I choose to keep my heart as open as possible, and the resulting vulnerability attracts those who are unable to open their own hearts but want to step through the looking glass. It's not their fault they were seeking their opposite and found they were unable to live with it. It's not my fault that I tried to overlook the unacceptable and give the good a chance only to have the unacceptable overtake me. It's nobody's fault - we both went against instinct and paid for it. The difference between us is I recognise the danger in running and hiding and will choose love over fear any day no matter how scary it is.

I have yet to figure out how to say no upon spotting seeds of doubt because giving people chances is part of who I am, to my detriment at times. But I am stubbornly going to stay open, because the one thing worse than getting heartbroken is staying safe, trapping oneself with false comfort that gets less comfortable with each passing day.

I will not stay safe, because only corpses stop moving.

I can't say to someone, "Don't change me" because we are all always changing and growing. What I will say to the next person is, "See me - who I am now. Walk with me - watch me evolve. Dance with me - we will move together.

"I won't be comfortable, but I will be your home."