Lip smackers

Let's talk about lip locking. Here are some milestones in my chequered kissing career.

Most disgusting kiss
This has got to be kissing a guy who'd just smoked. Why? Ever licked an ashtray? I didn't think so. And guys, popping in mints and sweets DOESN'T help; it just makes it more.... how shall I say, multi-dimensional?

Most virginal kiss
No, not my virginal kiss, someone else's. It's a very strange feeling to be kissed by someone who thinks he's frenching you but isn't. This dear, innocent boy didn't seem to realise that french kissing involves tongues – he apparently thought it was just open-mouthed.... and empty.

Most exhilirating kiss
The first, obviously. It's that moment just before, when I looked at those lips and thought, "Wow, am I gonna kiss THOSE lips??" Nothing prepares you for your first real one. At the rate it was going, I thought my heart was going to just pop out of my chest and start skittering away on little feet.

Cutest kiss
This has got to be a tie between butterfly kisses (where you flicker your eyelashes against your partner's) and Simpsons-type looooooooong-puckered kisses. In case you haven't seen the Simpsons in lip lock before, they pucker up such that their mouths look like little balloon-ends (the part where you place your lips to blow into the balloon) – when they kiss, it's like two little balloon-ends joining up.

Most uncomfortable kiss
Try kissing while your body is tilted backwards at about a 45-degree angle, with no support underneath, all the while you're trying to balance yourself by pushing upwards, but the numb guy is thinking that he's being super romantic by pushing you backwards while kissing like in a vintage Hollywood movie. At least in movies, the romantic dude would bother to support his lady's back. Strangest way to get a backache, probably.