Parties, hormones and such

Am just back from Garry's birthday thingy and am still quite happy (read: slightly high-ish), which isn't a good thing, considering I drove home. I shouldn't do that again, even though I hold my alcohol really well.

It was fun, and there were a number people I know there, including my dear Lina and Euj, whose faces appeared less oily than mine:The theme was red, which I clearly forgot. Was too paisei to sing at the open mic. Some of Garry's friends sang up a storm, though.

Realised I wanna get 'happy' and have fun again soon, hopefully this time I'll actually get to party while I'm high. Was supposed to go to St James with KS + gang but they ended up going to some guy's place in Jalan Kayu, which I was really reluctant to go to, so home for me, quick MSN chat with Winds, now wishing I could've gone clubbing. Hope I find kaki for Sirens tomorrow night.

Am constantly itching to go out this couple of weeks, for some reason.

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On a completely different topic, I realised I've been hormonal in ways that are completely different from the way I was before. It's an evolving thing for anyone, but I noticed I've been going for (or at least ogling) types that I never even bothered with before. Maybe it's the sudden singledom after a long period of 'appreciating someone for their qualities', maybe it's just me being generally more comfortable with enjoying both the profound and the shallow in sexual attraction. Or I'm just getting more open about things with age.

Or I'm just very, very hormonal.

Odd thing is, I found myself connecting with a couple of the exact type of guys I usually would give a wide berth to, i.e. guys with factors like (very) good looks, age (I'd previously always preferred older guys), ego, social activity, popularity and extroversion, mobility, dissimilar interests, etc.

That can't be just hormones. I am/was actually drawn to the things about them that I felt, that had nothing to do with the superficial qualities. Good looks don't right away pique my deeper interest and don't impress me in a way that matters if I know next to nothing else about the guy.

Largely wavelength, I think - I'm always drawn to wavelength, even when unexpected.

Like with Kev. What I grew to feel for him was borne not out of his hotness, intelligence, eloquence, knowledge of goodness knows how many languages, his oozing testosterone, nor his sweet talk...and other qualities that're best left unmentioned. None of that impressed me enough to draw a deeper response. What made me start to fall were the glimpses of the unguarded him that I managed to sneak peeks at, the part that's indescribable, soft and warm, and rarely seen. The part of him I suspect is the only thing he doesn't fully have control of, and the one thing he can't use to impress. And it was all the more precious to me. I never saw it again after the last time he called me from high European terrain.

I've digressed. I suspect I'm thinking about this too much.

But ya, singledom is fun. A girl can't help but feel flattered when experiencing the kind of attention guys give to single chicks, except perhaps when the attention comes from the iffiest of characters.

Still, it's good to feel like a woman with some degree of desirability. Everyone needs that affirmation sometimes. I'd been missing that for a while before I met Kev. (Yes, even while I was still with Kelvin.)

My feelings for Kev are very much tapered and I don't miss him the way I did, but I'll still always remember how having him helped me so much through that time and did so much for me, even though it wasn't his intention. Made me feel wanted again, made me feel like a woman again, made me feel almost loved again, definitely made me feel special again. And made me realise my heart was alive again.

Thank you, Kevjn. I could've loved you. It's time for me to move on.