Intoxicated frustration

Its past 6am and I'm sitting here, still feeling the effects of what only a mix of vodka, tequila and whiskey can conjure. It's been some time since I drank enough to feel even remotely high. Been some time since I clubbed proper with friends, too.

At some point earlier, after a few drinks had loosened our tongues, A had her arm around my waist and said, "I want to fall in love!" I turned to her in wonder and replied, "So do I!"

And that's a problem. Wanting to fall in love is always a problem, especially when, at a deeper level, I don't really want to.

Not having someone to fall for compounds that problem. Even in the midst of a club jam-packed with hungry, testosterone-charged members of both sexes (not to mention a sprinkling of really hot call-boys who looked like call-girls), I couldn't spot a single person whom I'd consider buying a drink for. Not that I've ever done that before.

My thoughts occasionally strayed to the guy I'd mentioned in an earlier post whom I'd wanted to ask out. I barely know him, and what I do know of him doesn't quite satisfy what I'd want to look for in a guy. Throw in the fact that he doesn't seem interested (I think). It's easy to let any such interest fizzle quickly off.

But I find that it's easier in concept than in practice. It's been a very, very long time since I grew to like someone of my own accord, quite involuntarily and contrary to my usual tastes. It's not so easy to throw off something like that, no matter how fleeting it ought to be.

It was half past 5 in the morning and booze-intoxicated me was about to head off to shower and call it a night, my head still dancing. Only then did I look at my MSN list and saw him online. I couldn't resist (I tried to). I had to say hi.

It was a very short chat. I'd known it would be even before I typed the first message, but still I couldn't resist.

I keep telling myself I just want to be friends. But am I being truthful to myself?

Sensing any kind of connection or letting momentary connections reach your heart is a dangerous thing.

I don't want to like someone. But I want to like someone. I want to FEEL.

Isn't that odd for someone who feels that there's not much lacking in her life? Or is that what she tells herself? Or is it just oesterogen run wild? (I doubt it's the latter.)

I'm scared shitless at the thought of opening up to someone else. But gawd, how I want to. (Dammit, must I always be this bag of contradictions?!)

Most importantly, (and I'll say it now while I'm still high), I just want to be held and loved and pursued and pleasured. Just once, I want to lie completely helpless in someone's arms. I don't want to be the strong one, for once. Is that too much to ask?

I'd asked a close friend last week whether he'd ever wanted someone to love because he was so filled with passion and the sheer size of his capability to love? He said yes. And I realised I asked him that because that's exactly how I feel and why I want to fall in love again. I've got so much to share that it feels so much bigger than I am, that it would overwhelm me if I couldn't have someone to explore it with me in its most expansive dimensions.

But I don't dare to look for it. I'm scared. But oh so hopeful.

Someone please find me.