Today is the first time I've raised my voice at my mother, and as an aftermath, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out only because I can't do anything else to vent my rage. I can't even cry loud enough to be heard. I can't throw my soft toys around like I used to as my current room is too small. I can't punch the walls like I used to because she's in the next room and she'd hear and she'd get even angrier that I'm showing any anger at all.
Over what? Over suddenly accusing me of answering back to her, when I thought all we were doing was chatting. This, after spending most of this week accusing me of neglecting her, of being inconsiderate, being rude, not spending enough time with her, of arguing with her (i.e. my gently-expressed views did not suit her). All this, after I spend almost all of my meals and days with her (weekdays included since I'm freelancing), after making sure I sit and chat with her at least once a day, after scheduling my weeks and days around her plans, after putting up with her giving me shit about how SHE feels MY relationship should be.
As it is, I try not to talk too much if I know what I'm thinking isn't something she'd agree on. But it seems that these days, there's almost no telling what will set her off, or what will get her to start picking on me on the stupidest, littlest things.
(I can hear her now slamming things around in the next room.)
I usually don't want to blog about anything about parents or bosses. But I really, really, REALLY need to vent somewhere. I've absolutely no one to talk to about this now. I was tempted to run out of the house just now and call my sister from outside, but the dowager would've seen me go out and start up some fresh hell about what a bad daughter with what a bad temper I am. Anyway, she beat me to the punch, as a minute later, I heard her dialling the phone next door. There's only one number she would dial that requires more than 20 digits in it and it's obviously my sister.
And I wasn't even shouting, just raising my voice a bit - that's not even up to the volume I'd use to call for someone one room away. But yes, according to her, I was shouting at her. According to her, only she has the right to shout around here.
Earlier today, she implied that I was being selfish for doing 'my own things' rather than accompany her to buy CNY sweets in Chinatown today. The 'my own things' in question is actually a freelance job I've taken up that has unexpectedly required me to work on it most of today, and I need to call my client as well. As such, I had to ask her if we could go to Chinatown next week instead of today, and after all, CNY is still almost three weeks away. And sure, 'she understands'. 'Understands', as in, very, very reluctantly compromised to go alone, after trying her darndest to make me feel awful by using guilt trips and snapping at me. And by the way, I didn't really expect my project to end by today in the first place, I just told her that the beginning of the week was impossible and that I preferred next week, but she insisted to go today. And some twisting of my words was definitely what she did along the way, and no, I'm not allowed to defend myself, because that means I'm arguing.
And this was just a part of today's carnival. Can I just tell my client I can't do this project today because I'm sick (of my mother)?
I hate sounding like an angsty teenager who's suddenly decided to start raging against her parents. But if living like this and worse for my whole life has given me sulking adolescent angst, then anyone who doesn't like it can EAT ME.
I'm 26 years old and thoroughly SICK of being a little rag doll not allowed to think, speak or act like anything other than what my dowager wants. REPRESSED is one of the most understated words you could use for me. Like I said, patience is gone and is no longer in Kansas. I'm not sorry for having raised my voice. That was long-overdue, and not even a percentage of what she deserves.
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1 comment:
There is nothing you have done that would warrant you to feel guilty here.
You're angry and frustrated and more. And you know what? You are perfectly normal.
Those comments hurt. It's probably not proper of me to say that -- the hurtful comments, emotional blackmail and lack of understanding towards your efforts -- they are underlined by fear, she's more scared than you are and she will never admit it. The thoughtless "you never, you always" statements are the clue.They hide the true feeling of "I'm afraid.." and that's also normal.
You must find a way to vent -- not at her I mean -- but vent and let it out. It's no good being kept in. Rafe I mean. But at the same time, take a time out, don't deal with this until you've had a chance to calm down.You have enough problems and you're handling them rather wisely.
You know what has the power to calm her down? It's reassurance. When you are not so stressed by her,see if reassurance will calm her down sometimes.
And at most times, yes, if you have to "raise your voice" (which you didn't anyway) that's normal too.
Yes, Children shouldn't talk back to their parents, so say the great Asian Annals of Wisdom, but sometimes it's not that black and white is it? Go with the flow. That rage you feel -- it's there for good reason. It's telling you, you've had enough.Let her vent too and don't believe all her assessments about your character. You love her no question...but we need space to be human sometimes.
Sorry -- so self indulgent -- this comment I mean
Malti
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