More rain

The wee hours of last Saturday morning was the first time in a long time I felt lonely enough to cry.

And tonight, again, almost.

I keep telling myself I'm not lonely, at least most of the time. I have wonderful, wonderful friends, even if they're the type who would take a birthday video of me in a towel or feed me too much wine. It's usually good wine, though. They're marvellous people who know me and each other too well, and isn't that what real lovers are like? I'm not getting laid, but that's not the most important reason for living (one of the top, but not the #1). I am loved in abundance, and I love in equal abundance.

But sometimes, there's just so much more I could give, if I had someone to give it to. So much to give.

Some things friends can't give you. They can inflate your life and you can inflate theirs, but not at the same depth. Friends can hold you tight, but sometimes it's never tight nor warm enough. Friends can touch your soul, but there are parts of your soul reserved for specific one-at-a-times.

I miss holding someone in the quiet dark.

I miss being held in the noisy outdoors.

I miss living for someone.

And sometimes, I just miss being adored.

But missing isn't reason enough to want someone. Besides, I don't believe in looking for someone, never have. And I still feel safer alone.

Just that some nights are too quiet and cold. Then there's the rain.