The Ghost of Weekend Past

WARNING: Self-indulgent rambling below. Necessary purging, completely for my own benefit.

It's been an eventful week, for sure, and emotionally draining for several reasons. All the more reason to put on my shoes and run out the door each night. Yearning for a pair of arms but seeking just some company. Self-denial (and self-protection) builds character, doesn't it? Doesn't it?

A treasured person almost became nothing but a memory. I wasn't there on time. It wasn't my fault, but I still wasn't there on time. She's safe now, though.

She had more than enough tears of her own, so I didn't see the need to add to hers. But when someone called to ask me what had happened, I lost it in the waiting room and burst into tears. But just once. More important to hold it together on my own to avoid distressing others. Am I becoming like her? Am I learning this trait that she's now trying to unlearn?

Perhaps more distressing were some insensitive comments made by people who didn't know her. Those comments weren't ill-meant, but they still hurt to hear.

"She's just an attention-seeker."

Attention-seeker!! If they only knew who they were talking about, they wouldn't ever say that. The very reason friends came running is because she's NOT an attention-seeker. The very fact that she's crying for help rings serious alarm bells.

"Just let her die."

This was said (presumably) completely candidly, but it still shocked me into momentary silence. And at a moment when I was already feeling fuck-all. Even more shocking perhaps was that it came from someone whom I did not expect such words at all. But for the benefit of all, I kept it behind my wall.

Walls are good.

And...the realisation that I may be awakening to something involuntary and unwelcome certainly rattles. Makes me uncomfortable and mildly distressed.

I don't want. But I do want. All at once.

As a general concept, I told a close friend some months ago, I don't need it but I want it.

Then, just the other night, I told the same friend that I need it but I don't want it.

And I now find it hard to differentiate between needing and wanting it. Seems important to know the difference, somehow.