Double twinge

#1

Been sorting and clearing out stuff these few days, which is no mean feat for a pack rat like me. Been only half as brutal as I'd like to have been, but managed to clear out quite a bit of not-so-functional and sort-of-nostalgic things on top of the old stuff I never touch anymore.

Then, while going through a box of miscellaneous items, I came across a bunch of half-cut photos. Photos taken with Kelvin. I'd been using a bunch of these to make magnets for him in a moment of romantic inspiration for Valentine's Day last year, and these were the leftovers - I'd intended to use them make a few magnets for my own magnetic board sometime but hadn't used all of them.

I hadn't hurt over Kelvin for some time, especially not these past three and a half months. Until last night. The memory of intimacy and the best love of my life started to hurt again. But briefly. I dumped them in the bin.

Then, only just now, I found the last birthday card he sent me (gosh, how many more hidden things are there lying around?). To hell with privacy, these are some of the things he wrote on the card:

"I'm so lucky aren't I? Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and I hope that I can be a better boyfriend to you always... I keep a copy of Yeats' poem in my office and I look at it each day. I love you."

(The Yeats poem in question, "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven", is my favourite, and I'd made him a little bookmark with the poem handwritten on it early on in our relationship.)

All this written less than four months before our breakup. About a year or more after he started to fall out of love. Lying fuck.

I hate aching for worthlessness.

Last Friday night, was with Euj and Lina when it suddenly occurred to me that it was exactly half a year after the breakup, and I told them so. Their first reaction: raised their glasses and toasted to it. Remembering that helps to wash over the ache now.

#2

Finally got a chance to webcam with Kevjn last night. Suffice to say the connection sucked on both MSN and Skype and we could hardly keep a continuous chat going. Whatever conversation we managed was somehow awkward and stunted, and VERY lagged.

But seeing him again was something else.

Made me miss him again. Nowhere near as much as before, but I miss him all the same, even after all other things considered.

And the curious part of me wonders what he does or doesn't feel by this time. It doesn't matter much, but I'm always curious about everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess it's healthy. Missing people makes you feel alive and look forward to something. Missing my sis and the kids so badly makes me keep looking forward and planning for the next time we see each other (possibly just after Christmas?). Missing Kev in this mild way keeps me aware that my heart is alive and yet doesn't hurt me, and makes me look forward to his next trip home in the near-ish future (whether I'll still feel anything by then is secondary).

I like missing this way.