What am I doing? I'm sitting here bawling and aching and finding out just what a mess two layers of non-waterproof mascara can make.

What the hell's wrong with me? Nothing - it's human nature, but it sure feels sucky. I keep alternating between knowing he's no good for me and not wanting him and missing him and willing to do anything to have him back.

I know in my mind that I won't want him back in the unlikely chance that he ever comes back. Moreover, I know things would never be the same again, especially since I'd never trust him again. But at the same time, I don't truly know how I'd react if that did ever happen. Would I look at that earnest, sorrowing face, hear that voice that I love so well and just rush into his arms? Or would I look at him and see the years of betrayal and have my anger and hate confuse me and tear me between giving in and screaming at him to go fuck over someone else? Would I gloat? Would I break down? Would I shrug and walk off? Would I ask him to cry me a river?

I just miss him so much and feel like complete idiot while I'm at it. Why weep over someone who was getting plain tired of being with me? Someone who would throw away 4 years of a (mostly) beautiful relationship? Doesn't he even remember how wonderful it was for the first 2.5 years? Things were always difficult but there was enough love to struggle through it all, yet just when our struggles finally came to an end and I could breathe a sigh of relief, it was already the end for him. Is he really so adolescent that he expects love never to change and mature?

I find myself looking at the photos, chats, videos, mails that we accumulated over the years. Don't they mean anything to him?

I guess not.

I took that photo above on 24 July 2003 with my webcam. Kelvin and I would very frequently take little snaps of ourselves and email them to each other while we were separated by a continent. I labelled this one "where are you". I figured that, more than 3.5 years later, it's relevant again.