Hormones vs sense

Last week I summoned my guts and asked someone out. He didn't bite, though, so I didn't push; there's only so much my pride will let me do.

Which made me think of a few things.

Firstly, that my hormones are running rampant. I've been met with temptation a number of times recently and have pretty much been feasting my aesthetic senses.

Secondly, that I'm not letting the hormonal surge run away with my sense and better judgement. And my pride.

Most importantly, that I was ready to ask someone out, and in a completely different frame of mind than when I sort-of did five months ago (gosh, has it been so long already?). I found myself completely not interested in any sort of casual hookup. My interest is closer to the sort I had back in my man-abundant uni days when I'd rather seek deeper connections, even at the risk of never being in a relationship with the dude.

Which brings me to the fourth - that I'm still not actively seeking a relationship. Well, I never really am at any point, just that now, I don't really miss it mostly. I'm open to someone who might happen along, but I'm fine with not pursuing a relationship.

When I got the not-interested vibe in the guy in question, I was mildly disappointed, but was surprised to find it didn't affect me all that much. I realise it's because I wasn't looking for anything to happen, and that I was actually more eager to be friends than anything else since I'd enjoyed his company so much during the time we were compelled to spend together before.

Yes, I do want to see him again, but no biggie if I don't. Was actually rather surprised that I did grow to like him a little. When I first met him, he didn't seem my type at all in terms of looks, age and place in life. Then again, this has been a year of surprises, especially in the arena of men - the new and the familiar alike.

I find it hard to believe people when they say they fall for someone at first sight, or within a very short time, mostly because it never happens with me. Even when I grow to like someone a little, I find myself unable to really like them if I know very little about them. I've never dated anyone who wasn't a good friend, suffice to say.

It terrified me, asking this guy out. I guess it's because it wasn't a superficial attraction, as compared to the last time. But at least I had the balls to actually ask. And hey, it was fun to actually be infatuated again, no matter how briefly or mildly. Haven't felt infatuated for years and years, even in the past few relationships.

It's easy to think I'll give anything for someone to hold in times like now when it's late and it's quiet and I have intimate thoughts to share (and wish I had someone to shag). But I know I won't, at least not lightly.