Cliff to cliff

It's been a lovely two days here. Both days started chilly and foggy, but the clouds gave way to sun and cool breeze. I still don't get how surfers in this town are so die-hard that they'll paddle out even in chilly weather and low tide, just bobbing around and riding on any tiny bump of a wave. But I sure do appreciate their firm behinds when they pass by. Surfers have very good butts. Didn't I mention that before?

Walked along the beautiful West Cliff yesterday, and today at East Cliff which isn't as scenic but still nice for a tranquil walk. Both parts of the coastline are wearing quickly, though, and there's less of it each year when I visit. West Cliff's landmark Seal Rock was stuffed full with - what else - seals, clamouring and climbing over each other for space on that little rock.

[Will post pictures when I can.]

Am still somewhat depressed, but it's lifting by the day, and my mind is getting clearer, as I hoped it'd be. Taking the over-worried, despairing touch off certain trains of thought and giving them the moderate, clean regard they need. Feeling less troubled while in the crisp, unhurried air of this laid-back suburbia and the distant swish of the Pacific Ocean swash.

Yes, I'm almost certain I'm not in love, as I'd earlier feared I was. I'm sure I was in the first vestiges of it when he left, but, thankfully, not enough time and allowance had been given for it to move into the head-over-heels stage. I'm wondering, what if I'd followed Lina to St James that night after all. I'd have met him earlier, more than a whole month earlier, and then what? Would things have gone on the way they had, only earlier, and leave us both with greater pain on parting? Or would things never had happened? In this what-if, I think things would still have happened - perhaps differently, perhaps more painfully at the end, perhaps more ambivalent...or perhaps in the exact same way, given the point in time the particular revelation shook my thoughts and allowed me to open my heart.

That doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I'm capable of love. Again. Give me a little more time here, and it will no longer be about him. I think I'm starting to let go. I want to.

My thoughts are here because I can't talk to you about them. These thoughts are not truly for you - they're for me and for those with whom I'd share these close thoughts.

The question of what I'm going to work on when I get back is next in line. Do I go on with what I've been doing, or do I take on a bigger new challenge? I.e. what my father offered me. I'm not keen at all on the new project(s), but it does offer me something new to do. However, there will be sacrifices if I take this/these on, and theatre work would certainly take a backseat. I don't want that. I'd have to work harder when I get back to keep the status quo going, or rather, to rev up what I've been doing. Work's too slow and I can't rely on my current clients anymore. Starting fresh will help, I hope. Having an uninterrupted period of time to work will also help. I need to start charging more money. Maybe start selling to foreign publications - but damned if I knew what to sell to them. I wonder how much Adbusters will pay for feminist rants on consumerist cannibalism in a test tube society. Maybe I can write porn - does Penthouse Letters pay?

I'd love to take time off to try to work on a personal creative project (or several), but I can't afford to do that just yet. My bank account was chronically low when I flew off - of course I was owed a huge amount of back-pay, but that just proves how unstable finances can be when one is a freelancer. (And for those out there who would tell me that this rich girl needn't worry, I'll stuff crumpled copies of my invoices up your arses for implying that I take money from my parents.) Perhaps I'll aim to save more money by the middle of next year, then take some time to put something together.

Will stick my neck out for more auditions to come, hopefully snag professional projects at last. This break has meant that I've had to turn away from every opportunity that crosses this window of time, but that's been a necessary sacrifice. Just hope there'll be openings for projects coming up within this year, but that seems rather unlikely. Still, one can hope.

Meanwhile, I'll carry on enjoying this breezy, mind-clearing sabbatical.

"Je ne veux pas travailler
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
Je veux seulement l'oublier"
~Sympathique~

And so it goes...till mid-August.