Oh, fiddlesticks

The long-awaited break is FINALLY almost here...and I'm suddenly really, really sad to go??!!

Maybe it's my severe, severe PMS mood low, maybe it's from being too tired, maybe it's from time concerns and family stresses. I don't know, but mostly I think these just are just multiplying factors.

It's my last NDR show with them tomorrow. I won't be there when the show closes for everyone else. I won't be there for the cast party. I won't be there...well...with them. This was our first show together and we've OD-ed on each other for two weeks, in addition to the whole year we've spent together. OD-ed so badly that just two days apart when we had no shows caused withdrawal among us!

I'm not even gone yet and I miss them to dickens already. I love you guys so much.

But there's something else that the stage does to you other than uber-bonding. Well, to me anyway. Being on the stage, we're a part of something bigger than ourselves and create something inconceivably huge in comparison to us as single persons. When I leave a dark theatre after a last show, I always go back to my everyday life feeling like everything else is so small. Everything I had planned just for myself seems so tiny, so small, compared to what transpired every second spent on the stage. Perhaps it's also partly the after effects of the adrenalin of preparing and performing for a show. But the feeling of emptiness and futility is real, and almost every actor will experience it at some point.

I'm going to leave the theatre and my dear friends tomorrow night feeling so small.

And then there's Kev. Not his fault, but he does compound the aching I'm feeling now, just by being thousands of miles away. Now that he knows where his posting will be, we're going to be even further apart, practically speaking. While I'd already expected that rather matter-of-factly before, I hadn't expected the tapering-off to be so damned slow. Practical Daf: it has served its function - enough of missing him already!

Just got off the phone with him. Found the exact same experience I had during my long-distance days with Kelvin - I absolutely HATE the moment when the phone goes completely silent when we hang up after saying bye. One moment the person is there, their voice in your ear, both of you connected in so many more ways than one. And then that sudden, brutal disconnection, when you're abruptly utterly alone with a deafening silence. So just now, I found myself looking at a dead phone, still warm in my hand. He's suddenly just not there.

Maybe what I need is a good rebound with a blonde surfer dude with a nice butt and big dick. Lots of those in Santa Cruz. Well, I can only attest to the nice butts.

Or I can just count on the healing power of being in a place of beauty, enjoying relatively tranquil time with my sis (after the kids have quit fussing for the day). Sitting in the front yard with binoculars and star map on chilly but clear nights, the multitude of stars my stellar company. Watching Desperate Housewives on DVD with sis, chowing large bowls of popcorn and dessert wine. Shopping. Long talks, long walks by the sea. Outdoor summer concerts on the beach by the boardwalk.

Being away from everything. Just the way I'd wanted it to be. The way I've been waiting for since more than a year ago.

But by golly, I'm missing EVERYONE right now!!