Feeling a mess tonight. Supremely PMS-al and depressed as hell. Ridiculously sentimental, freakily emotional, mind won't settle down, a thousand thoughts flying through my head.

Perhaps inevitably, in the course of pondering the theme of NDR (duh), tonight I suddenly thought about Kelvin and the immense hurt he caused me. I'm angry and hurt all over again. I'm sickened all over again at the thought of the sight or sound of him. Even thoughts of our good times don't ease the distaste. The rip in the fabric of my life stings again. It is mending (and underwent slightly accelerated mending rather recently) but as of this moment, it stings.

The night is too quiet. The Blower's fucking Daughter isn't making me feel any better.

I want to let it all out, transitory though these feelings are. But there's no one to talk about these things to. I want to write and write and write, but I can't find anything to write about. I want to express all this, but what I currently have on the stage doesn't allow much of it through. I have no one to sing to.

What's left?

I need to be held RIGHT NOW. Tight. I want to sob in somebody's arms. I want to fuck someone and then spend the rest of the night lying by his side telling him little secrets and hearing him tell me little secrets. I want to be looking at someone lying beside me, looking at me, and though he does not say anything, I can see half-guessed thoughts in his eyes. I want someone to softly stroke my forehead and my hair until I fall asleep.

I need to feel wanted.

(Yes, you will read entries like these on an average of once every four to five weeks.)