Closure denied

We met up today to exchange the things we'd lent each other or left at each others' place.

All I asked was one thing - to meet in my house so I could say my piece for closure. A private place to talk. And he refused. He'd rather sweat it out by the pool.

The reason? He felt "uncomfortable". Doesn't matter than my mum, who was dying to ask him many things, had promised to keep to her room and not bother us at all.

One little shred of what he owes me (and he owes me PLENTY) and he was too chicken.

He asked what it did it matter where it was.

Here's why it matters.

1. He's uncomfortable with being in the same house as my mother. I'm fucking uncomfortable with EVERYthing that he's done to me. I needed somewhere private to talk properly, somewhere I could feel secure. I wanted just ONE thing my way but it's too much trouble for his selfish comfort.

2. My sister said part of this exercise was about taking a morsel of control over the entire string of events that has left me entirely helpless and had no control over anything that's happened. But in the end I had to give in to him again. Give in to a selfish, cowardly fucker.

3. It was a vain hope that he really did mean it when he said he was sorry for causing me pain when we first broke up. I now know it to be another falsehood. So much for holding out the last shred of hope for any decency or sincerity in him.

He was too cowardly to even defend himself or explain. He had nothing to say to me, but I'd expected that anyway. What I didn't expect was that he had no intention to even pretend to have any good nature left. That he'd rather be a coward than to do just one stupid little thing that makes him uncomfortable.

I held my cool as long as I could and said what I had to say as civilly as I could. At the end, we sat in silence till I said, "That's all I have to say." He muttered something incoherent and took his bag and started to leave. I lost it for a second and said, "Fuck off" as he passed by.

I really needed this. It's such a small thing, just one tiny little concession I needed from him. And he denied me it in favour of his fucking comfort. I know I'm fixating, but this one little thing said so much.

He'd deny me even this little bit of closure. Just a morsel of what he owes me.

He probably thinks he's giving me some kind of big concession by even being here. I hope his new Girlfriend sees what kind of a cowardly, selfish, insincere and lying person he is.

And I'm angry. So fucking angry. I haven't been this fuming mad at someone since goodness knows when. I have to keep reminding myself not to let this loser bring out the vindictive side of me. I've always been a good person and my pride will never allow me to stoop.

One day I'll look back on this and laugh at him. I hope that day comes sooner than later.

Meanwhile, he can go ahead and lie to or avoid everyone else. He can't run away from himself forever and suffer for his own faults.