Couldn't sleep again these two nights. Caught only restless snatches of short naps during the day before dashing out of the house in the evenings. But, strangely, I don't feel terribly tired, just a bit. And that worries me a bit. Hope I can sleep tonight.
Fear handicaps a person. It digs nails into every piece of happiness they find. It bears holes into the scraps of hope that edge their way into their lives.
I'm afraid again. Afraid of never being able to love freely again. Afraid of finding someone. Afraid of someone finding me. Afraid of never believing again. Afraid of being a fool again.
Afraid even of little touches. Afraid of big ones. Afraid of that new (well, new again), subtly different way guys treat me and speak to me as a single woman. Afraid of setting aside this mindset I've kept for 4 years. Afraid of wanting to behave like a single woman again. Afraid of not wanting to behave that way. Afraid of this impulse to flirt with everything in pants. Afraid of being wanted.
Wanting to be held but fearing it.
Afraid that I'll always stay afraid.
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I cry only when I'm alone. At least, as far as I can help it.
And I'm alone now. Wanting and fearing. And fearing somemore.
Feeling stupid for crying right now.
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