Why the blazes

If I don't really feel anything for him, why am I unable to sleep thinking about him? WTF is going on with me here?

Do I need to start protecting myself?

So asks the cynical optimist who is almost afraid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote another part of this entry, unrelated to the topic above, then realised it is way too personal to put here.

How apt.

Matching grins

I'm in cutesy lala land, thanks to these two very energetic, very vocal, very damned tenacious kids.

Sis just landed with hubby and kids on Monday morning - and so begins my month-long dedication to all things family and loads of babysitting. Hopefully somewhere along the way, someone in the family will realise that hey, what I'm doing really is work and let me have time for that.

Quote of the day: "That's not work!" in response to me saying that I needed to spend time some time with work today and, when asked what that work was, explaining that I had to memorise and analyse scenes from a script I'm rehearsing. Real nice.

The kids are completely irresistible though, especially the girl. Gosh, I hadn't seen her in half a year, and she's now this fascinating little person who does all these amazing new things. I'm so not a kid person, but these two always charm me to pieces. They had me cooing. Me, COOING!!

Dance with me

Someone slow dance with me. Anyone.

Well, almost anyone.

"Strike up the band, let it play
Whatever it chooses and I will say
Play me a waltz if you will
I'll sit here and listen, waiting until..."

~The Waltz, Silje Nergaard~

Losing

Watched La Môme (La Vie En Rose) on Tuesday - wonderful movie, horribly depressing, utterly incomparable performance by Marion Cotillard as Edith Piaf.

But that night, after post-movie drinks, chat, supper, when I eventually found myself in the welcome silence of solitude, I found myself thinking about something I hadn't thought of in over a year: a fear of loving so as to lose. Piaf had loved and lost so many, and so tragically presented in the movie, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own losses, however paltry in comparison.

That's a risk of swinging free. I not only forget how it is to love, I stop thinking how it is to lose...but I never forget how it is to lose.

First times and last times are always the most crimson fresh in the memory.

A lone figure slouching away down an empty tree- and car-lined street, orange under the street lamps, while I climb up on the fence to watch him walk away for the last time.

Pressing my face onto a broad, warm chest and weeping hard against it, and then letting go to let him walk past me to leave.

I realise I've never stopped loving anyone before the relationship ended. So every one that ended was an acute loss. Each one of them upon exit left a gash and a gap that filled with silent screams till they eventually filled up and healed.

So yes, I'm still deathly afraid of losing people I love or come to love.

Told a friend recently that being a cynical optimist where human relations is concerned allows one to know and understand all the risks and inevitable hurts that will come with opening your heart to someone, and yet still do so with an incredible amount of hope that the journey will be worth all of the hurt.

I guess some of the paths I took were almost worth it for the lessons learnt and their formative effect - I am who I am because of each one of them.

The fear of losing will never go away. It's just a matter of not letting it cripple me.

Letting you go

"Maybe I'll shine, finally free
Letting you go away from me."

Letting You Go - Jason Robert Brown

I didn't think I'd say this back then, but I am shining now, free, having let you go almost one and a half years ago.

It's good flying free.

I still think about you once in a while. But I don't miss you.

Satellite pangs

It's been more than a year. The thought of him doesn't affect me anymore. The thought of what we had, the life I almost had, doesn't affect me anymore, nothing beyond a pinch of wistfulness.

So why does it still hurt when I hear "Satellite"?

Time and the healing process sometimes forget to erase motor memory and sensory triggers.

At least this is an easy one to solve - I just turn off the song and put on Harry Connick Jr instead.

The freaks we meet online

Some of you may have seen this post before, but this is for the benefit of those who hadn't started reading my blog yet. This chat hails to the day when I used ICQ.

On this day, I was in the middle of work (yes, in an office back then) and got some random chat. This is the chat history verbatim (I'm Aurora). Sometimes, having an ounce of patience for annoying random buggers yields some gems. Like this one - read to the end.

7/24/02

3.10pm Ong: hi

3.12pm Aurora: who're u?

3.13pm Ong: hi me called Francis. Nice to meet u, Daphne

3.14pm Aurora: sorry, i'm at work now, i cant chat

3.14pm Ong: me too, i am at work. What u work as

3.15pm Aurora: woman-who-swears-at-man-who-icq-her-at-work

3.15pm Ong: ha ha ha ha tell me lah

3.18pm Aurora: editorial work

3.18pm Aurora: hey, i'm really busy now....

3.18pm Ong: okay shall we authorise in contact list and chat next time?

3.18pm Aurora: ok

3.20pm Ong: ya pls make yrself visible when u are available ok

3.20pm Aurora : sure

3.21pm Ong: bcos then i am able to snd u msg otherwise i thought u are off-line

3.21pm Aurora: sure thing

3.21pm Ong: btw i always on-line so u are welcome to drop me msg

3.22pm Aurora: ok

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7/25/02

1.51pm Ong: hi tall girl

1.52pm Aurora: wat makes u think i'm tall?

1.54pm Ong: then what is yr ht, tell me

1.54pm Aurora: 1.62

1.55pm Aurora: this is how u weasel info outta girls eh

1.55pm Ong: what is yr wt

2.11pm Ong: tell me abt yr work ? What u work as in the editorial field

2.13pm Aurora: editorial assistant

2.16pm Ong: u must hv a good command of English

2.17pm Aurora: yup, i do

2.17pm Ong: i wish to learn English would u be my language teacher

2.18pm Aurora: i've a short fuse and a quick tongue. not gd for teaching.

2.20pm Ong: never mind, i have ultra high degree of tolerance for pretty girl

2.21pm Aurora: u're not in luck. i look like yesterday's accident.

2.21pm Ong: ha ha ha ha

2.22pm Ong: oic, with bloody face and fracture limbs

2.23pm Aurora: close enough

2.24pm Ong: oic that is a nightmare

2.25pm Ong: well i think i can help u

2.25pm Ong: to regain yr charm

2.26pm Aurora: i dun need to regain my charm, i like myself the way i am

2.26pm Ong: sound like u are a saddist

2.27pm Aurora: i'm not a sadist. i simply have self-confidence.

2.28pm Ong: oh to bring nightmare to ppl bring u self-confidence that elicit yr inner conflict

2.31pm Aurora: i was kidding, dear boy

2.31pm Ong: oic i believe in every word u said

2.32pm Ong: so my fair lady would u teach me english ?

2.33pm Aurora: no one needs to be taught english. juz read n converse.

2.34pm Ong: ya i need plenty of conversations, would u let me hv yr hp no we chat on-line

2.34pm Aurora: online will do

2.35pm Ong: oh i think i need to enhance on my conversation skill. shall we exchange contact no

2.36pm Aurora: no

2.37pm Ong: then i hv to live with poor english skills and let ppl look down on me, poor Francis

2.39pm Aurora: nice try, dude

2.40pm Ong: hard to get lass

2.41pm Aurora: truth is, i dun like getting picked up

2.42pm Ong: then i get u straight

2.42pm Ong: i wish to court u and wana to get yr hp no sweeties

2.42pm Aurora: well, DUH, i know.

2.43pm Ong: what is DUH

2.43pm Aurora: haha, nvm.......

2.43pm Ong: tell me

2.44pm Aurora: it's juz an expression

2.44pm Ong: or shall i tell u directly i wana hold yr hands and moonlighting with me

2.45pm Aurora: u dun even know me

2.47pm Ong: shall we meet for diner to know u more

2.47pm Aurora: sorry, no

2.47pm Ong: well then i can only hug u at night ... in dream world

2.48pm Aurora: think ur bolster wld be a more realistic goal

2.50pm Ong: if u are my bolster i shall squeeze it hard, press it close to my chest and kiss it and lie on top of it, grap u between my legs

2.50pm Ong: change to cover to explore the inner beauty

2.51pm Ong: undress its cover and reveal it softness and enticing self

2.51pm Aurora: oh gawd....i feel my lunch coming back up my throat

2.52pm Ong: ha ha ha ha ha

2.52pm Ong: u are cordially invited to be my bolster

2.53pm Ong: that is how i fell asleep see got to do so much exercise myself

2.54pm Aurora: cordially declined.

2.56pm Ong: well then i got to do all the job on my own, poor me

2.57pm Aurora: eww........ i dun wanna know what job

2.58pm Ong: ha ha ha ha

2.58pm Ong: ;-)

2.59pm Ong: just rubs the bolster between my legs and stimulates my manhood to ejaculation lor

3.02pm Ong: u will certainly make my night more interesting and fun-filled if u could be my bolster

3.03pm Aurora: ok. NOW u're going into my ignore list. bye francis

3.03pm Ong: wei dun like that leh

3.04pm Ong: okay lor dun tell u my secret anymore

3.05pm Aurora: u wank and u cum.... wow, big secret

3.05pm Ong: ha ha ha ha ha it is very interesting to chat with u

3.06pm Ong: are u with the local news agency or private publisher

3.09pm Ong: wei y u so quiet now, i dun think that is you right

3.13pm Ong: okay Daphne dun be so petty can ? Francis is a very nice guy actually

Shiny, happy Daffy

Daffy is happy.

Yes, it's partly because of the couple of new and unexpected things, but not mainly those.

I think it's largely because I'm spending so much time rehearsing and being on stage these months. It feels a bit like living at high speed (or on speed).

I've probably bitten off more than I can chew, and perhaps next year I should promise myself not to take on more than one S&S play at a time. If I do it next year, that is. Rehearsing for four different things and churning out writing work all at once is draining me like nobody's business, and I can't stay away from my friends either!

And after all, I am happiest when I'm busy busy busy.

It does come at a cost. I've had to let some people down today :( I feel absolutely terrible about it, and I know no amount of profuse apology will fix things. It was necessary and very unexpected, but still not an honourable thing at all. I'm so sorry, guys.

It's also costing me PLENTY of sleep. I feel like I'm swimming in thick, warm goo at this moment (which is also a moment I should be spending on writing for a rush project but I really needed a short break for quick diarrhoea blogging).

All this time on stage this week and immersing with other actors from various backgrounds is playing a part in upbeat upbeatupbeatupbeat me! Feels like a sugar high. *nervous chuckling* Other things too, but this especially.

Oh, life is good. For now.

And even now, when I'm bogged down by this writing project, I'm inspired! I wanna churn out page after page after page! Even though it's corporate flotsam! And after that when I *eventually* find a little time, I wanna write more creative stuff! Like short stories again!

(I'm using lots of exclamation marks!)

I want to write!!

Diverging paths

At supper with a fairly new acquaintance tonight, shockingly comfortable to talk with. Also the 4th Jon in my phonebook. How many Jonathans are there in the world?? Wait, don't answer that.

Somewhere in the midst of all that talk, he made a point that slammed home. We'd been talking about getting less comfortable with certain friends over time because of how individuals change over time, and he said, "You take different tracks and when they diverge far enough, you're not on the same wavelength anymore (sic)." (--> major sic, since I'm really bad at remembering exact words.)

And that completely hit me: it instantly brought to mind what Kelvin had said to his mother about why we broke up. His mum had told me he said we were going on different paths. While that occurred to me as utter bull at the time (and it probably largely still is, considering all the other things that pulled us apart), hearing it now from someone else's lips made me think there is some truth in that, whether or not Kel had truly meant it.

It hit me hard, though I couldn't show it, not in front of a person I was newly acquainted with.

On hindsight, we were indeed taking very different paths, seeing where I am right now and where he very likely is currently. And this divergence would likely have put distance between us eventually, perhaps even re-tune that wonderful wavelength that we shared so vividly and incomparably.

(I digress: Words are so inadequate for the concepts that zip through our minds, that we understand wordlessly. I feel helpless when I can't fully explain what I think, as now.)

But if he had still wanted what we had, that wouldn't have bothered me much. Distances can be forded with a little effort, if it means holding on to the rest of your life.

A pity, but no more than a pity. But damn, I'm still learning from this one.

All for...

It's all worth it. It's all worth it. Gotta keep remind ourselves that when the going gets tough, especially in this industry.

Met up with an old friend (hi, Weixiong! I mean, Louis!) that I hadn't seen in years, and we started talking about liking one's job. In the midst of that discussion, I realised that being in theatre is the one of the few jobs (and I use the term loosely) where losing one's interest or passion in the work is a hazard. In other jobs, if you lose interest in them, you can kinda hang in there, it may not be that big a deal, and the paychecks will hopefully be regular and worth the time at least. Not in theatre - the moment you lose the passion, there's no point in going on. It's like love - when you lose sight of it, you've got to rediscover it, find what's left of it revive it, and if you can't or if it's truly gone, it's a dead thing.

I'm lucky. I know what I'm passionate about, and I share that with a handful of fantastic individuals. Some are my treasured friends, some have been colleagues at some point or other, some I hope to work with in the future.

I love words, and I love the stage. Everything else is there to feed that burning need to write and to perform, to bring life where there was only nothingness, to share in the energy of living beings and living spaces.

Missing sleep. Mental exhaustion. Physical exhaustion. Dwindling bank accounts. Insane scheduling. Rejection. Missed opportunities. Always having to fight. Emotional rides.

It's all worth it. Being truly alive is worth it.

Faithless

It occurred to me earlier, randomly, that I have no more faith left in men.

I do not trust them to keep their word.

I do not trust their spoken words to keep their meaning.

I do not trust them to keep me in their heart.

I do not trust them to keep loving me.

I do not trust them to be worth my time and what's left of my youth.

For every step I took before brought me closer to where I wanted to be. And when I got there, I was shoved off, most nonchalantly, simply because there was no space left for me.

And yet, I can't say, "Never again."

I miss having a soul mate, but shudder at the thought of having another.

What to say...

It's been a long silence. I'm at a loss for words again. There's always something to express but little is truly worth saying, and I can't find the right words or the right time to say them. And, of course, I have to choose a time when I should be writing something else to pen this blog entry instead.

I shall start with the mundane.

The weirdest makeup I've ever had to wear for a photo shoot. I realise I shouldn't have smiled at all - the face paint on my chin was cracking, plus I look plain iffy with that half-assed grin.

My dad has a strange bunch of bananas on the table now. They refuse to ripen together.

Out of randomness one night, I took one of those hair stick thingies and fiddled around with it. I'd never been able to use one properly because my hair just doesn't hold up with it. But this one freak time, with no particular effort, I got a perfect chignon! I was so impressed and so shocked I had to photograph the back of my own head.

And this blog entry moves closer to my heart.

Y&W's second anniversary - El ordered a photo cake to celebrate our two marvellous years together. This photo was taken during the kenduri of our first production On North Diversion Road ("sail away, sail away"), also the production that decisively fused us as an ensemble and as friends.

How apt, that it (we) would be divided into equal parts. This is the photo that breaks my heart. Come what may, but I will love you always.

[To Y&W: I have a whole bunch of production photos and videos but haven't gotten round to sharing them yet. Akan datang!]

ROCKIN' ON!!

I'm SO glad the girls got me to watch We Will Rock You - if you love or even just like rock, you should be eating your heart out if you missed this! The five of us rocked the edge of Circle 2 (rather precariously at times), screaming, head banging, gyrating, screaming some more.

Deciding to have drinks at Harry's after was the next superb decision we made. Some of the cast showed up there after we were there a while, and we got to chat with Annie Crummer, who plays the Killer Queen (and how!) and Mig Ayesa who plays Galileo. Such groupies we were, hovering with cameras in hand, breathlessly waiting to speak to them.

And it was worth it! Annie Crummer was such a wonderfully warm and unassuming person you can hardly believe she's the kill-with-a-look, industrial-weight corset-wearing, sexuality-oozing, bikini-waxing Killer Queen. Apart from being dazzled speechless by her powerhouse voice, she was so lovely in person that we pretty much fell for her on the spot.
Perhaps the biggest thing we got from it all was inspiration. The energy, clarity and sharpness of the entire cast in the show meant that much more to us now that we're rehearsing for commedia. Moreover, talking with Annie about her work and her thoughts inspired us to no end - it's meeting people like that reminds us why we are actors and why we keep at it.

Meanwhile...rehearsals for The Hypochondriac step up. We relieve stress by dressing up the boys. We really shouldn't.

Shou Chen demonstrates why a real sex change is necessary before trying the femme fatale thing.

I had once before said Shou Chen can be in an ah pek T-shirt with ungroomed hair and still look hot. I take that back.

Countdown to The Hypochondriac

11 days to show! Just spotted our standee in the lobby of the National Library building.

Standing nose-to-nose with QC, I can never win - both latitudinally and longitudinally.

Something tells me his costume is not complete...

Another costume fitting gone wrong. A cross-dressing Wee Willy Winky with SQ Boy behind.
One of the experiments in early rehearsals

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a few snapshots from the previous weeks.

Never knew we had this Colosseum-like building here.

Dinner at Billy Bombers. While Candice has since relinquished her Most Anal title, we got treated to the sight of her perfectly dividing not only the waffle, but also the ice cream that came with it.

When grown boys allow a pretty young thing to run circles around them. Literally. (Erin, El's little girl, was behind that couch.)

A rare sight caught on camera - Ghaz's pout!

All thoughts went back to that sperm race on TV when we saw this dessert.

Terence's napkin origami piece - even though it was a work-in-progress, it still reminded me of a diaper.

What boys do when they're bored.

Viola. The finished product. A mangled diaper.

Alienation

Something's wrong.

Yesterday was very strange. The day started suddenly and held a fast pace, and the vibe was very strange, very off. I felt out of sync with just about everyone I met that day, which was almost everyone in Y&W and the WR office.

It was especially bad at rehearsal and the supper that followed. The VERY late supper that followed.

It's extremely freaky when you're almost invisible in a group, especially a group you're very familiar and ordinarily comfortable with. For some reason, I felt barely noticed last night. It got to a point where I'd speak and no one would hear. Not ignoring me, simply didn't hear me. And that went on to reach a point where I was speaking to myself...and no one noticed.

Didn't help that I was already in a major funk all day...well, all year to date, but it was bad yesterday in particular, even after ice cream and comfort food. I had to suddenly get up and rush to the bathroom before I burst into tears, without quite knowing why. Probably the loneliness I felt.

Loneliness is amplified when you're in a large group.

We walked out towards our cars and cabs in a drizzle. I walked by myself, talking to myself. I got into my car, shut the door, and proceeded to sit in the parking lot crying too hard to start the car. Then I drove home, sat in the car some more, then found myself crying harder than I had since a year ago. Hard and long, like my heart would break - only this time, there was no tangible reason to.

Today was better. Got a nice massage from Jas. Ended well with a fun late dinner with the gang. Doesn't eliminate the blues, but is an effective painkiller for now.

I'm fucking depressed and I'm not sure why. Maybe feeling depressed is making me fall out of sync with everybody.

I need lots of hugs but don't want to ask for them. I don't know who to ask or who I want them from. I can't think of anyone I truly want to be held by.

Gosh, this feels self-indulgent. Like I bloody care.

Random emo(s) of the week

The best thing about being by yourself at home is that you can bawl freely while watching Ugly Betty and not feel like a right idiot. I don't cry at movies. I cry at home. I like eating dry cereal while watching Ugly Betty and skipping forward to all the emo bits and parts where they have the cutest dudes in the least clothing.

The last time I cried for real was last night in the shower. For no particular reason.

Was plugged into my iPod on the bus the other day, and Bette Midler's rendition of Under the Boardwalk came on. It reminded me of my sister and the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz, and reminded me of how much I miss her and the kids.

I thought about the times Sean drives us up the wall, stubborn little boy that he is, the times I think I wouldn't be sorry to be elsewhere at that moment. But I realise that doesn't make me miss him any less. In fact, I wish I was part of every moment.

Same goes for Caitlyn. Each time I speak on the phone with my sis and hear little Cait's voice in the background, I feel like I'm missing so much.

I don't want to miss any part of their lives, whether or not they're being complete sweethearts or intolerable brats (though the baby has yet to get to that point; just wait - she's approaching her terrible twos).

And, of course, I miss my sis to bits. It's never easy having your lifelong best friend on the wrong side of the ocean 10 months in the year. And now, more than ever, I need that best friend.

It's a life of need I'm now living. Needing and not having. So many things.

Maybe I didn't cry in the shower for no reason after all.

Another quiz

Gosh, this quiz is SERIOUSLY boliao. But that's what being awake at 5am does to you.

1. You're really upset. Who is the first girl you call to vent to?
My sis.

2. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
Sure. Why not?

3. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes. I'm not kissing an ashtray.

4. Can you do the splits?
No.

5. Do you get along better with guys or girls?
Get along with both genders just fine.

6. Last person you texted?
Tina

7. Do you like shows like Forensic Files and Unsolved Mysteries?
Forensic Files, not Unsolved Mysteries. I like my mysteries solved.

8. Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
Wee hours of the morning, right before I sleep.

9. List person you were best friends with in 6th grade?
Stephanie.

10. Name the best people who could cheer you up:--
My sis, Sean (my nephew), Caitlyn (my niece), Winds, Ruilian, Joy, most of Y&W.

11. Have you been to New York City?
Yes.

12. Who is the last person you added to your contacts list in your phone?
Jamal.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
Yes.

14. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Dominic.

15. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yes. Did you think I live in a convent?

16. Heard any really great quotes lately?
"Darling, look. So many ships..." (paraphrased)

17. Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Yes.

18. MySpace or Facebook?
Facebook.

19. Do you remember the name of your first school you ever went to?
SVDP Kindergarten.

20. Have you ever tattooed anyones name on you?
No.

21. Whys your number one on MySpace number one?
Think he's the guy who runs MySpace and is on everyone's MySpace.

22. What is the name of your siblings best friend?
Janet.

23. What's the most appealing thing about the opposite sex?
I don't know, but my hormones do.

24. Which year has been the best so far?
2006.

25. Ever found more than a dollar in a random place?
Yes.

26. Has anyone ever been more important to you than a family member?
No, at least not more than one particular family member.

27. Last time you smiled!
An hour ago, I think.

28. Last text message in your inbox?
Spam!

29. When is your next road trip?
Who does road trips in Singapore?

30. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
I have no idea.

31. Where is your phone?
Next to me, on the table.

32. Do you think your current pets will be alive ten years from now?
Don't have any. Not even a toy boy.

33. When was your last bubble bath?
Couple of years back, I think.

34. Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis?
No.

5.Where is your pet right now?
Dont have one.

37. What color phone do you have?
Black.

38. How many kids do you want to have?
None...for now.

39. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
Red tank top, black chinos.

40. What color are your eyes?
Dark Brown

41. What are you doing tomorrow?
Rehearsal.

42. Do you know someone who likes you?
My friends, hopefully.

43. Does a heartbreak feel as bad as it sounds?
No. It's worse.

44. What color is your hair?
Black with bits of white. Sigh.

45. What would you rather be doing?
Watching a DVD with friends and munching chips and chocolate.

46. What is the closest blue object to you?
My desk.

47. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
No.

48. Do you have a lot of guy friends?
Yes. Once again, which convent do you think I emerged from?

49. Have you ever been in handcuffs?
Yes.

50. If you could say anything to any one person what would it be?
"Feed me." So many ways to interpret a request like that.

Ocean, lover

(Photo credit: unknown Webshots user)

Something as simple as switching the desktop wallpaper at random can trigger introspection.

As it happens, the desktop manager software I use swapped my wallpaper to a random one, and in a flash, I saw tall grey cliffs, battered down to a small, white, sandy beach at their edges, locked in embrace with the richly hued waters of the coast.

And I felt like I was looking at the photograph of an old, unforgotten lover.

I'm no seaman like my father is, but I love the sea all the same. It's different from the love I've felt for any man or boy, yet same in its depth. I've shared ocean sides with lovers before, yet somehow, the way the sea moved me in those moments felt like mine and mine only, even when in the arms of those I loved.

I keep wondering what's this fascination humankind has with bodies of water. I know that deep down we're programmed to seek it and treasure it as a life source, but even the undrinkable, sometimes hostile ocean water captures our imagination and infatuation. Is it the multitude of facets of the world it presents that we're reminded to look at? Is that why we marvel at the sunset over the ocean, its brilliant colours multiplied a million times over the countless waves? Or is it just its constant shifting that compels us to watch it?

It's in times by the sea or even just looking at a picture of it makes me feel like I don't need a lover, that the deep blue is lover enough for me. Like music, like the theatre, it is an inconstant and tempestuous lover, yet it will never break my heart, and I can love it as much as I want.

But I don't know if I'm saying this because I don't have anyone to love (romantically, at least), that I've simply forgotten the sensation of being in love with someone. Perhaps it's just that the ocean is so much more accessible.

Maybe it's because I finally lay eyes on someone remotely f***able...and he's out of bounds.

Let me think...

... ... ...

(thinking)

... ... ...

Nah. I love the ocean anyway. With or without a dude.

Y&W bags Best Ensemble!

Young & W!LD won!! We're officially the Best Ensemble at the ST Life Theatre Awards! *ecstatic capering*

(Photo credit: Ric Low)

When it was announced, we made such a ruckus that we (retrospectively) weren't even sure if anyone else was cheering for us. For a second, I started clapping dutifully for a second or two, before it sank in and I leapt up - there's delayed reaction for you.

Surprisingly, the write-up of the Awards was in the main section of ST today, page 3 no less. We were mentioned in The New Paper coverage...in the fluffiest way possible in a very fluffy write-up - the article was focussed mainly on what people were wearing that night. The reporter was asking us the standard stuff like how we felt about winning, yadda yadda yadda, to which El quipped candidly (paraphrased), "We weren't even thinking about winning. We were thinking about what we were going to wear!" When I saw the reporter chuckle and write it down quickly, I knew that was going to be quoted for sure. And of course, the second half of it was the only quote to make it into the article, combined with someone else's, "...and what we were going to eat!"

Young and bimbotic.

Speaking of which...it was Jon (Lum)'s idea that we wear name tags with the names of different Shanghainese foods translated into English. He was Small Dragon Buns, someone else was Bruce Lee Bag (xiao long bao...yes, I know, sigh), while I was Twin Dumplings. Not that anyone really noticed.

May post more pics when they come out; my own camera is spoilt so have to wait for others'. A few have been posted by Candice on Facebook, though her album is mostly a parade of our garb (the theme this year being Shanghai Shenanigans).

And people, STOP being so surprised that we won. We worked our butts off for Mad Forest, and the piece Jon (Lim) chose was well-suited to show us off very nicely. After 2 years together intensively (and lots to blackmail each other with), a recognition of our ensemble energy is well-deserved, yes?

Judy and Leslie, we wish-oh-wish you'd been there too! It's just not complete without you.

Firsts, lasts, have you evers

First...

Thought when waking up today: "WHEN are they finishing that renovation upstairs?"

Thing you ate today: Rice with vege, fish, minced pork, otak and grapes

Thing you did today: Wrote an article for work

Car accident you were involved in: My dad rear-ended another car, but only lightly

Guy/girl you had a crush on: Jonathan, the most amazing pianist I've ever seen

CD you bought: I think it was the soundtrack of The Little Mermaid

Pet you had: A cantankerous Dachshund called Kiki

Dream profession as a kid: Writer (which IS my profession now)

Best friend: Grace

Award you received: First prize for Creative Writing in VJC

Sport you played: Swimming


Last...

Person you talked to: Either Dominic or Alex, whoever's goodbye I replied to last

Person you hugged: Shouchen (during rehearsal)

Person you said I love you to: Sean, my nephew

Thing you ate: Soursop

Thing you drank: Iced teh-O limau

Thing you said: "Bye!"

Thing you did: Read Elaine's blog, where I found this survey

Time you lied: Yesterday

Time you cried: Sometime last month

Time you showered: Last night

Time you got sick: January this year

Time you broke a bone: My own? Never

Time you got drunk: Nearly 8 years ago

Song you sang: "The Waltz" by Silje Nergaard

Song you listened to: "The Waltz" by Silje Nergaard

Thing you typed: This. Duh


Have you ever...

Seen a shooting star: (You mean meteors.) Of course. They happen all the time

Met anyone famous (if so, who): Yes, but why bother naming half the people in my industry?

Prank called someone: Yes, but I was 9 and my sister made me do it

Cried for attention: Yes, when I was a baby

Had alcohol poisoning: No

Wrecked a car: No

Threw a fit in public: No

Wanted to kill someone: No

Been in the newspaper: Yes - 2 weeks ago with Y&W!

Cried over nothing: Yes

Had a crush on a teacher: Sort of

Wished death on someone: Yes

Been called a tease: Yes, in an extremely positive manner

Like more than one person at once: Yes, but never in the same way

Imitated someone: Yes. I do Krusty the Clown very well

Wrote a song for somebody: Yes - once when I was 16 and another when I was 24

Been to a concert: Yes - the last was Harry Connick Jr!!

Snuck out of your house: Yes

Cut class: Yes

Been scared so much you pissed your pants: No

Loved someone so much it hurt: Of course

Faked being dead: No

Failed a class: Yes

Spoken fluently in another language: Yes - Indonesian, when I was a kid, but that's gone now

Gotten lost at the mall: Yes

Kissed someone of the same sex: Yes. It's even caught on video...sigh

Gotten a detention: Does standing outside the classroom as punishment count?

Missed the bus: Yes

Fallen down the stairs: Yes

Been in a sped class: No

Had a bad hangover: Yes

Gotten grounded: No

Lied about your age: Yes. Actually, it was my mum when she ordered alcohol for me when I was 14

Got hit by a car: No

Not done your H.W. then copied it off someone right before class: Yes

Shopped online: Yes

Given money to a homeless person: Yes

Been on a sports team: Yes, briefly in uni

Been so bored you did a survey like this one: Stupid question

Afterglow cut short

OK, I know I've just had a great holiday, albeit a very short one, and I should be thankful for that. But what the hell, I'd like the afterglow of my vacation to last longer than 1 hour, thank you very much.

Instead of, the moment I step in the house, getting hounded and baited by Her Majesty and getting abruptly brushed off by one of my closest friends.

The second Her Majesty sees me after having lovingly stayed up (and left a note on my desk stating her game plan for me to get my friggin confession done this week, after having bugged me about it ALL of last week), she starts telling me how fat I look in my dress (which all 4 of my holiday kaki said I looked good in), and how much smaller my eyes look because I'm more tanned... and then starts pinching the parts she says are fats sticking out of my dress.

And then she gets on my case about the damned penitential service/confession. [For non-Catholics, the church recommends that we say our confession during the period before Good Friday, and the penitential service is sort of a mass confession thingy.]

All the time, she's baiting me as she so often does, to get a fucking reaction out of me. I recognise this quickly, so I shut down and keep quiet. She recognises this quickly too, so she fishes out some fresh bait. Which I'm in no mood for, so she sulks away.

Fresh from that annoyance, I decide to ask in on my close friend - her MSN nick worried me a little that she wasn't feeling too good so I ask her about it. She gave me a one-line reply, and then says a very abrupt goodbye. Couldn't help but feel brushed off, cos this is not how very close friends talk to each other. After 18 years of friendship and after being as good a friend as I could be all this time, a friendly word or two would be nice.

WTF.

Sigh. I guess the holiday is officially over.

young & W!LD gets nominated!

Young & W!LD made the front page of The Straits Times Life! on Thursday 6 March!

[Click on the images for larger views (and to be able to read the article).]
We've made local theatre history - we're the first youth-based company to get a nomination for the ST Life! Theatre Awards (Best Ensemble, for Mad Forest).

It's all very exciting, and a wonderful pay-off for all the intense hard work we put into our shows, especially the mad, mad Mad Forest. We're up against pretty stiff competition from some great ensembles, and I'd be surprised if we actually won, but it's an honour just being nominated. Hopefully this will show the industry that there's hope for new talent in this generation.

Some of the cast seemed surprised that we got nominated, but I don't see why. Even during our run, there were a few casual whisperings of the possibility. And think about it - even those in the audience who were almost catatonic from sitting through the loooooooong and intense play were impressed by the strong ensemble energy.

I'm pretty sure that Act 2 sealed it for us - even the snorers and @#$%^& handphone-talkers in the audience were moved in that act (well, except for my mum, who didn't seem to understand any of it). More than one friend who watched commented that the climax of that act (which culminated in the singing of "Wake Up, Romanian") gave them tears and a shiver.

Working and being together so closely has really made us an Ensemble like no other I've known. Anyone looking in on us can see that immediately, and as much has been reflected to us by outsiders. We're (almost) all close friends and secrets are pretty much impossible.

Y&W - you're among my most cherished friends. I love you and am proud to be with you.

Night, rain and other quiet rustlings

On a whim, I decided to walk home after drinks at Balcony at 2am this morning. It was a cool night, I was wearing comfy flats and I simply felt like it, in spite of feeling ridiculously uncomfortable in the corset I'd been wearing all evening. (If you have to know, I was feeling bloated and wanted to look good in the photoshoot. Hence, beauty before comfort.)

I've always loved taking long-ish walks in the wee hours when it's completely quiet and miss doing that from my hostel days.

My companions of the night were the comforting night air, music and amber glow of the suburban nocturnal world. My sister called and we talked briefly, and on that lonely pavement, it felt like ours were the only voices in the world, even if we were doing naught but our usual B&M. The rest of the way home, I felt like singing, but decided I didn't want to freak out all the condo security guards I was probably going to pass by. I let the music transform my world and drifted through a once-familiar street, feeling as if my feet barely touched the pavement.

I woke up to rain today. Just the sound of it is intoxicating and nostalgic, and carries with it countless memories and promises. It was tempting to fling open the windows to smell and kiss the rain, the wayward lover that it is. But I settled for snuggling with pillows in bed, safe under my covers.

And then my day began.

Friends vs Friends

I've seldom come across this scenario since I left primary school, but it occurred to me again recently that it's really hard to be close friends with people who don't like and/or don't understand each other.

[Disclaimer: This is not directed at any one person; it's a collective bitch-and-moan covering an expanse of recent events.]

It all seems concentrated around this period, starting around CNY. All these events congregate to show me how unkind and judgemental people can be, especially regarding delicate situations. Quite disappointing when they are friends I treasure and trust to be largely discerning and fair people.

Even professional comments can turn personal and downright bitchy. I was especially pissed off during one particular dinner where there was collective bashing of someone I'm very close to. The professional and somewhat constructive comments I could take objectively. But they quickly turned mean, mocking and unfair. That's when I sat on my hands to keep from slapping someone within arm's reach.

The incident about the suicide. I'm still harping on it because it still stings and I'm PMSing. It occurred to me that if that "just let her die" comment had come out during PMS, I would have asked that person to stop the car and I'd have walked out on the spot. But oh no, stupid me was stunned into incredulous silence while someone else quickly salvaged the situation. It didn't come from someone close to me, and I got the person to apologise eventually, but it still stings, and the apology didn't come out quite right, as if there was a passive defense of the insensitive comment. Who are these people to say and assume things when they don't even know E and what kind of person she is? And I also take it as a personal slight, seeing how they knew I was going out with them because I really needed some company because I was upset and very shaken.

And other intense and/or shocking info about these various parties. I'm privy to these slices of information, but that doesn't mean I should be grilled about all the juicy details that are clearly for my ears only, especially when they're going to form their own opinion anyway. And all the judgement that's going on, my goodness. If you don't know the fucking details and can't understand another person, don't assume.

But what did I do in most of these situations of friends-bashing? The politically correct thing - keep my cool and close one eye. And seethe afterward. Perhaps, as a person in this industry, I'm too balanced in opinion (if I do say so myself) and value gan qing too much.

Yes, friends can sometimes be unkind and unfair. But I accept and love them as they are. Well, most of them.

Gosh, if I compiled everything and made it into a single soap opera, it'd put Days of Our Lives to shame.

I can't wait for progesterone levels to go back down.

Liking sans the heart

Perhaps I really have forgotten how to feel. It feels remote and inaccessible at this point in time.


Being close enough to smell him, (very) furtively watching him, just the awareness of his presence - these are sometimes almost unbearable. I do like him.

But my heart is not moved. And I think I know why.

I can't feel for someone whose insides I have not seen. Someone who has not opened up to expose the soft insides, if only for a second.

I can't want what I can't see.

I'm safe, for now.

Don't push me.

Just go away.

Don't push me.

Stop pushing me.

Don't push me over the edge.

I've locked my door but I know you will hammer on it when you find it locked.

Don't push me.

Go away.

Go a-fucking-way.

The Waltz

"Those violins, they must go
So no careless hand with a bow
May play on the strings of my heart
And make me remember how lovers part"

~The Waltz - Silje Nergaard~

A writer's stream

There was a writer, and she did not know what to write about.

There was a writer, and she looked around.

She saw a child scale a closed school gate with a red backpack dangling from one elbow. She wrote about that.

She passed by a millipede, kicked it aside, and wrote about that.

She bought a bottle of cold water, drew a line down its glistening coat of condensation with her finger, watched the bottom droplet stagger its way down the bottle, and wrote about that too.

She paused by a large puddle of water, tapped at it with the toe of her shoe, and watched the ripples. She imagined she saw five other writers dancing behind her, each peering down at the puddle. She wrote about that.

She saw a squashed yellow flower on the road and wrote about that.

She looked up as a young man on a bicycle zipped past her. He turned his head to look at her for a second before turning back to look ahead. She smiled at the back of the receding figure. She stood there smiling at him, not quite knowing why, until he was out of sight. She wrote about that.

She went inside her house and slammed the door shut. The sound made her jump and look at the door for a moment, and she wrote about that too.

She lay the wrong way down on her bed and ran her toe along the bedpost, and she wrote about that.

There was a writer and she lay the wrong way down on her bed, her freshly sharpened craft knife pressed against the inside of her left wrist. She wanted to write about that too.

But the writer had run out of things to write about. She put down the knife, and she stopped writing.

The Ghost of Weekend Past

WARNING: Self-indulgent rambling below. Necessary purging, completely for my own benefit.

It's been an eventful week, for sure, and emotionally draining for several reasons. All the more reason to put on my shoes and run out the door each night. Yearning for a pair of arms but seeking just some company. Self-denial (and self-protection) builds character, doesn't it? Doesn't it?

A treasured person almost became nothing but a memory. I wasn't there on time. It wasn't my fault, but I still wasn't there on time. She's safe now, though.

She had more than enough tears of her own, so I didn't see the need to add to hers. But when someone called to ask me what had happened, I lost it in the waiting room and burst into tears. But just once. More important to hold it together on my own to avoid distressing others. Am I becoming like her? Am I learning this trait that she's now trying to unlearn?

Perhaps more distressing were some insensitive comments made by people who didn't know her. Those comments weren't ill-meant, but they still hurt to hear.

"She's just an attention-seeker."

Attention-seeker!! If they only knew who they were talking about, they wouldn't ever say that. The very reason friends came running is because she's NOT an attention-seeker. The very fact that she's crying for help rings serious alarm bells.

"Just let her die."

This was said (presumably) completely candidly, but it still shocked me into momentary silence. And at a moment when I was already feeling fuck-all. Even more shocking perhaps was that it came from someone whom I did not expect such words at all. But for the benefit of all, I kept it behind my wall.

Walls are good.

And...the realisation that I may be awakening to something involuntary and unwelcome certainly rattles. Makes me uncomfortable and mildly distressed.

I don't want. But I do want. All at once.

As a general concept, I told a close friend some months ago, I don't need it but I want it.

Then, just the other night, I told the same friend that I need it but I don't want it.

And I now find it hard to differentiate between needing and wanting it. Seems important to know the difference, somehow.

A scare and a tear

Learned something today which left me spooked and deeply affected. But stupidly not really knowing what to do, I tried what little I knew which was, inevitably, rather ineffectual I think.

Helpless and frustrated the rest of the day. The false cheer of the rest of the festive day coloured the following hours with a surreal quality. Even all through an enjoyable late-night party with good company, there was no way to shake it, even as I put on a big smile and laughed with friends.

Helpless because I don't know how to help her. I want to learn, but perhaps I'm not in close enough proximity. Scared shitless that someone wonderful was almost lost.

It was 5 minutes ago at 7am that I gave up trying to sleep on an uneasy heart, allowed myself to burst into tears, then texted my three closest friends to tell them I love them.

E - even though we're not the closest of friends, you were great when I really needed you, and many people love you. Please stay. Don't be sorry, just stay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When dressing for the party tonight, I suddenly wanted to put on something that reminded me of my grandma. I took out a necklace that belonged to her, added extension links and wore it as a bracelet. I fingered the opal pendant sporadically throughout the night thinking of her.

I think of her a lot every Chinese new year.