About last night

At a last-minute invitation, last night turned out to be a nice night of jamming, the first in quite some time (R&H people, this is your cue to organise something; Esther, lend us your fingers!). Was weird to be the only female voice around, but was still nice to be able to belt tunes without shame with a bunch of people who were not afraid to sound silly.

Was asked something for the first time last night, and was quite unprepared as to what to think or answer at first. Though I'd been half expecting it for a while now, almost since the whole affair began actually, it was still an entirely unfamiliar query. It reaffirmed my personal adage that no amount of mental ponderance can prepare you for when some things creep up in life, especially the awkward/unfamiliar things.

Last night I cried again next to him, involuntarily and much to my consternation. While it felt momentarily nice to feel comforted, I didn't want to be held. The temptation to turn around and just weep in his arms was so tempting, just to feel cared for again, even if it's not the right person to do it. But no. Vulnerability is a luxury I can't afford. I've already spared more than I should have. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable is like being in love - oh so addictive but so raw and naked and prone, feels good but for a moment before the regret sets in.

(I hate PMS.)

I was asked about these bouts of loneliness I've been having and whether this thing going on might be aggravating it. At first, it did seem to make sense, but then again I'd been feeling that way all along anyway since March, especially after long stretches of meeting with friends almost every day. It's probably best described as withdrawal.

The love I had is long dead, the longing gone even before that. Like I said, the man is easy to be rid of. The life isn't. What I'm still mourning for is the life that's gone. That moment in time where I was truly happy. A fool's paradise. (Why did it feel so real to me?)

And I still live in fear. To compensate, I pile on the defence battlements brick by cold brick.

As I told more than one person, stopping oneself from feeling anything for anyone takes discipline and willpower. Hard, but do-able, and gets better with experience.

Twice before I'd fallen in love during periods like this when I was in the state of mind where I told myself I wouldn't want to open up to anyone for some time more. As it turned out, both times I decided not to pass up the chance for something special. Each man took his turn to convince me it was worth the risk. Both tore my heart to pieces. But at least I took the risk. I didn't let my own mindset stand in my way, but paid a deep price for it each time. That'll teach me.

Gawd, I need chocolate. It may not be better than sex, but it's healthier.