Evolved, exhaled

A very short while ago, I gave up holding my breath tightly and just exhaled. That's what this has felt like. A relieved release of air. Visually, like opening a hand that once too tightly held shreds of paper, opening it in the wind, letting the crumpled little pieces fly off into the four winds.

Most of the way, initially, all I could think about was protecting myself, fiercely guarding my soft bits and panicking at every oopsie of vulnerability. Scared to open up, afraid to expose the raw, soft tissue of my heart.

(Vaguely disturbingly,) it was a quote shared recently that helped me quit fighting and just let go in a long, slow exhalation.

"The truth [is] that there is only one terminal dignity - love. And the story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity." ~H Hayes~

While this quote doesn't apply entirely to whatever this is, it gave me a nudge to finally give in and realise it's ok to feel. Feel right now, right here. Suddenly, it doesn't matter how fleeting it is or how dangerous it once seemed. It doesn't matter that there might be pain on parting. I realise what I want is to be able to feel - that I still have life and the ability to feel (and potentially to love) in me. And it has brought such relief, just to let go.

Perhaps it is precisely because of its fleeting nature that makes this bittersweet affair alright to enjoy giving in to, that lends it a sweet aftertaste, minus the pangs that might have come had it had a chance to grow into something too much deeper.

Like I said to you, my dear, not deep enough to hurt, but just enough to touch.

I'd previously asked of and said certain things to him in that spirit of self-preservation. I have since, very recently, taken some back. And given some more.

I will feel these mild but warm tuggings. I will let them make me smile. I will let them tug at me gently. I will allow myself to miss.

And then, I shall slowly let go. But by then, it would already be a part of me, a part of my past that has become me, and it will never go away.

And, best of all, it is something I will be able to smile about from start to tapered end.

And yes, my dear, I will remember.

Finally, someone I can stay fond of even after they have left my sight.